Tag: parenting

Thoughts on Public Schooling

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I grew up through public schools. Over the last few months I’ve had the honor to help out a public school district. I’m seeing and sensing a greater antagonism towards public education that is unhelpful. Here is my bottom line: Public schooling is profoundly local, requires parental engagement and is not the enemy. I encourage you to consider these thoughts:

Educators are our neighbors
If you’re stressed from family life, the inner-workings of your job and wanting to make a difference, then you’re like many of our educators. Most educators are concerned with how to help kids learn how to read, write, etc., while also walking through life. They do have a life outside of school in the communities we reside in and the churches we attend. I’ve heard from many public educators that they sometimes feel like second class church members because they teach in a public school. This is a sin churches should repent of! Think of educators as your neighbors.

Parents are wanted
The number one issue I hear from my educator friends is this: There is often a lack of parent engagement. I’ll repeat that for those who may be shocked: Educators have as a primary concern the lack of parental involvement in their child’s education. Many schools are what’s known as Title 1. To be a Title 1 school, the school is required to support parental engagement. Parents and guardians, we’re the ones that need to step up and improve education. By just engaging with our children and partnering with our educator neighbors we can make a difference. Ok, I know we’re all busy, but family comes first. Our kids are worth it.

Apathy is the enemy
Too often people view public education through the lens of national news, especially if one comes form a politically conservative viewpoint. It is easy to attack public education through a national viewpoint because we don’t have to act. Public education is a profoundly local issue. Teachers are very open to parental involvement. They conduct themselves with class and professionalism. Are there things we disagree with? I’m sure if it. The issue is we’re often not willing to engage with our community and make it a better place. Rather than being apathetic, let us be the cheerleaders of great educators.

Trust is the issue
Many fear public education because trust and a sense of community has eroded in our culture. It is hard to trust someone you don’t know. It is hard to effect change through antagonism. We listen close to those we consider friends. We don’t presume to tell our doctors how to do their job, but we wisely partner with them for better heath. The same is true of education. Be patient, take time and be involved. Your community and your public schools will be better for it. Work on building trust, and remember they’re human just like you!

A huge thanks to my sons’ school district!
I’m fortunate that my boys are a part of an excellent school district that puts kids first. I am a better leader and parent because of my interaction with my district’s educators. I’m amazed by their passion, class and professionalism. My community is a much better place because of their efforts!

Boys, Pencils and Guns

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IMG_3353By today’s standards, I’d have life at Gitmo. Why? In school I had the gall to make a thermo nuclear detonator (based on the Martian’s design from bugs bunny), stolen from an encoded data disk (a He-man shield from BK). What was my dad thinking!? I could have grown up into a terrorist bent on trying to take over the world (Pinky and the Brain)! How could a West Point graduate allow his son to be so violent?

Rule #1 Use your imagination
In the heart of a boy is the desire to spar. Included in this is a heart of justice, honor and FUN! I played cops and robbers. I played army (hoo-rah!). It was pretty simple: good guys won (always barely, but sometimes by epic proportions that make Lord of the Rings seem like a cartoon) and the bad guys always lost (but seemingly were able to come back and fight again).

Rule #2 Guns kill and life is precious
I was never allowed to point a gun at a person. By gun I mean any veneration of such. When older, dad reluctantly allowed me to play lazer tag. Why? Because guns kill people and life is precious. I was not allowed to let my sisters be bad guys. And all black-ops sniper missions against said sisters were promptly aborted (those pesky West Point Grads). In playing with guns I was taught respect for the weapon and for life. By gun it didn’t matter if it was a toy, a gun was a gun.

Rule #3 A man’s job is to defend against evil & injustice
Call it old school, but I was taught there was evil and we need people willing to stand against evil. I was also told that is a man’s job, the honorable thing to do, and the harder choice. This lead to a profound respect for those serving in the military, law enforcement, emergency responders, and those who proclaim freedom. Why? Because there is evil out there and there is such a thing call tyranny. Learning about this starts in childhood. A gun-pencil boy today may be a police officer defending you tomorrow.

Rule #4 Teach boys how to play with guns
Rather than scold boys for turning pencils into guns, teach them to point guns at tyrants, despots and murders, or targets, deer, wolves, zombies and storm troopers. Teach them that life is precious. Teach them that all guns are dangerous and should be treated as they’re loaded. Teach them to not point guns at people (especially mom). Cheer them on as they vanquish evil, rescue those trapped by tyrants or save you from T-Rex! (Tip: Boys, should your gun fly out of your hand and shatter a window, saying you’re fighting against bad guys won’t work. You’ll pay to replace said window.)

The bottom line:
Take a boy’s gun away and you send him to the darkside. He’ll either learn to despise authority and be like Vader or he’ll lose the soul of what it is to be a boy growing up into a man. Anything can be a gun. Why? Cause boys like to spar. Boys like to problem solve. And, boys need to learn to defend justice and protect the innocent. When a boy picks something up and it magically becomes a gun, he is asking to learn about honor and justice. Don’t take his gun away, answer his question! 

Daddy, will you be with me?

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Jadon loved seeing Venus through a neighbors telescope. The boyz acted mature beyond their years as they gazed through the telescope. The next time Venus crosses the sun is 105.5 years. Jadon would be 110. I’ll be in glory.

Tucking him in at night Jadon asked if I’d be with him the next time Venus crosses the sun. I said I’ll be in Heaven and I hope one day to seem him there too.

Curious, Jadon asked if everyone goes to heaven. Only those who know Jesus and accepted what Jesus did for us go to heaven. So, that’s why church is important, he replied.

We talked about sin and how all of us don’t deserve Heaven, but Jesus came anyway and gave us a way in. The only way. We talked about how amazing God is. Then we talked about how my foot shadow looked like a train…

There are God moments that you’ll hold dear with your children if you’re present and praying and persistent. I love bed time. Not because of the sleeping angels & silence soon coming, rather the time I get to speak to my boyz heart and soul. His foot shadow looked like a caboose…

Book Review: Dream House by Barry Bandara

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“In many ways, our families are in a battle- a battle of priorities. If we don’t take the time to account for all the movement of our family now and then, we can easily become overwhelmed with all that we have to do.” p. 70

Pastor Barry Bandara gives us an excellent blueprint for developing our own “Dream House.” The book is humorous, insightful and usable. Often books on parenting place a massive guilt burden on parents. Make no mistake about it, there are times when you will say ouch. Overwhelming, you’ll walk away saying “I can do this!” We need more resources that are refreshingly humorous while also giving clearly communicated wisdom.

Overview
Taking from the three best sources possible: God’s Word, wisdom from others and his own failures & success, Barry takes us through the various “rooms” of our dream house and how it relates to family. Along with each chapter and at the end, Barry also shares resources he and his wife found helpful. The metaphor and the warmth of his writing keep the principles understandable and approachable. (Some books I’ve read you almost need a PhD to understand them!)

The big win
Dream House is written by a man who practices what he preaches. I’ve had the privilege to serve with Pastor Barry and to see him as a father. He practices what he preaches. I’m a better husband and father because of his ministry. Often with family resources we ask: will this work? The answer is yes.

The book
What is helpful is the book gives us principles and not programs to add in our homes. Dream House gives you what needs to be done, how it can be done, as well as other resources to do it. This leaves the book highly adaptable for different family contexts. The questions at the end of each chapter are also helpful to figure out how to apply what was said in your own family.

Marriage counseling
Pastor Barry presents a 10 year rule in his book. The idea is to think 10 years down the road. If your child is 2 how do I want them to act when they are 12, and so on. Dream House is a book I’d highly recommend for marriage counseling. It gives a blue print of raising a healthy family and many of the needed principles need to start before kids. You may think “we’re just getting married,” but kids are not that far off.

The bottom line:
Dream House is an excellent resource on leading your family well. It’s written with a warmth and practicality often lacking. I’m looking forward to using Dream House in my own ministry and my own family.

Why not Wednesday? Family life

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Some of the best ideas and clarity of ideas comes from family life. Abnormally, let me give the bottom line on top.

The bottom line:
Don’t get so busy and distracted that you cannot hear and listen to your family. You might just miss something.

Night time prayers
I put my boyz down to bed. We wrestle, read, share Schnickle Fritz stories. They realize bed time is for real when we pray. Setting them down I perform the most important duty of a dad: just listen. These times can be funny to epic proportions (stalling tactic I think) or incredible serious. They’re the best times. Here is why…

Toy churches
Jadon, my oldest, pulls his nana (blanket) from his face, turns his chin ever so slightly and squints. He’s curious and about to ask a question. (I didn’t think I was quirky until I had kids.)

Jadon: Daddy, why aren’t there toy churches?
Daddy: Because the church is people.
Jadon: What kind?
Daddy: Church is people who follow Jesus.
Jadon: Jesus loves me!

Reminders are creative lessons
His response was pretty cool. I would have sung that song for him, but my boyz made it clear that singing is off-limits for me. Last night brought clarity. Other times brought creativity. Family life is a huge resource. Here is the creative reminders Jadon gave me:

  • Church isn’t some game, it’s a real important thing.
  • Church is people who follow (active verb) Jesus.
  • Church is also about loving and serving people, even if they can do nothing in return, like children.

Manic Monday: Appreciate the little things…

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Monday is a huge day in my household. It’s garbage truck day… Seriously.

I smile at people’s reaction to what has become bigger than football at our house. (Of note pretty much anything that makes your kids smile makes you smile- other than fine china being dropped and shattering in slow motion.) The oft-repeated phrase “you need a life.” is stated. Ok, here’s the lesson…

Kids appreciate the little things in life. What we take for granted, they see as wonders of science. The garbage truck has what every boy loves: horsepower, noise, banging sounds and it’s big. (The garbage truck is also a significant support actor in the movie Toy Story 3,)

Imagine a world without garbage trucks, plumbing, electricity or Toy Story 3, and you’ll gain an appreciation for what we consider a little thing in life.

(especially on Monday)

Civility, Civility, where art thou?

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Last Thursday I wrote about my desire for my boys to live in a world of civility. The thought process started when Gavin said thank you to me after giving him a simple treat. I treasured the event. Given the grievous incident in Arizona, my wish for my boys grew even stronger.

Two wrongs don’t make a right
The Bible puts it this way: “A soft word takes away wrath.” I have no wish to take political sides on this blog. Even in irate anger, one can show the civility one so much desires. The political vitriol displayed lately is alarming. It is akin to fighting a fire with gasoline.

Evil and responsibility exist
There is evil and brokenness in life. Even with this, people are responsible for their own actions. Evil or brokenness is the root cause of tragedies such as happened in Arizona. Civility, compassion and graciousness are the greatest weapons against evil and brokenness. It’s what Jesus did.

Two prescriptions of civility:
1) Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. ~ Ephesians 4:26,29

2) This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20

The bottom line
We are responsible for our own actions. Anger is not wrong, but we must be prudent and thoughtful in how we exercise and work through our anger. For sure, in public discourse great restraint and gracious must be demonstrated. Truth can be declared without being inflammatory. Restraint isn’t a lack of authenticity or genuineness. Restraint  is an exercise of wisdom and humility. Our culture could use a large dose of both. These are skills I want my boys to have in abundance.

A return to civility

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I wish my sons to be gentlemen. Siting in a chair, a warm fire glowing and two boys playing in matching pajamas gives is a moment you treasure it in your heart. I handed a treat to my youngest. He looked up with a bright smile and said: “Thank you, daddy.”  I hope both my boys grow up to be themselves while also exhibiting grace, class and politeness.

Civility defined
Oxford American Dictionary defines civility as: formal politeness and courtesy in behavior and speech.

Nobility of the past
Too often we view the ignoble aspect of person, time or movement to discredit what was noble. Missing an ideal doesn’t lessen its nobility. Should the Wright brothers have not flown at Kitty Hawk when those before them failed? Discourse and conduct did have a higher air of civility in times past, though I’m sure the past wasn’t perfect.

Acting with grace
Civility develops a focus on others. I remember in high school this kind of conversation: The girl said “You opened that for me just because I’m a woman, didn’t you?” to which the man replied, “No, I opened it because I’m a gentleman.” Civility isn’t sexism one way or the other. It is the polite thing to do. Allowing someone to do something you can clearly do yourself isn’t a violation of equality. It is an act of graciousness and a demonstration of deference. Imagine holiday shopping with this attitude.

Civility speaks
Formality is a language. As society let go of formality it also let go of a language that prevents potential misunderstanding and clear acts of acknowledgment. Another loss is an understanding between public and private behavior. Manners, etiquette and politeness are a key aspects to equality. It is a language of interaction, understanding and wisdom. A return to formality would greatly benefit romance, political discourse, and everyday life. Formality can disagree without destroying a person. It can romance to a greater depth. The language of formality understands that we are not islands unto ourselves. We live among others.

Formal as stodgy, informal as rude
Both formal and informal behavior contain drawbacks. Formality can be oppressive. It need not negate self-expression.  While Formality is often labeled stodgy and informality rude; can we move beyond that? Perhaps the one who speaks quietly is heard the loudest, and within formal discourse one’s self-expression is most appreciated. Put another way: in reestablishing formality, let us not lose the zest of life.

The bottom line:
I hope my boys grow up to be classy and civil while not losing their zest for life or animated personalities. In disagreement may they still be considered gracious, in opposition still known as noble. I hope my boys show charm both publicly and in private. I hope those close to my boys would see my them as treating everyone with respect. I hope they can be true to themselves in both civil and private discourse for in so doing they’ll demonstrate dignity and wisdom.

Manic Monday: The mirror

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I brought Jadon to the barber for the first time last week. The barber visit builds pride in one’s son. Jadon sat humbly on the bench, a box of toys next to him. Given the new experience, he sat with his hands folded on his lap, looking at the men in chairs getting their hair cut. The sound to clippers, normally frightening to him, echoed softly. Jadon looks up at me and smiles.

“Daddy gets a hair cut, Jadon gets a hair cut.”

I’m called up and the routine starts. He watches me at first and then slowly discovers the toy box. He builds what he is: a train track for said track a train. This very important process explained to all in the barber shop. The older men and the ladies cutting hair all smile and delight. Rather than the exploits of the weekend shared, stories and questions about trains ensued. Then it was time.

With trepidation, Jadon climbed up the “high chair.” Like a cherub, the overly large cape adorned him. No smile sat upon his face. The buzz of clippers rang loudly in his ears. I held his hands, and he took the buzzing clippers. With a big sigh he looked up.

“Let go, I ok, Daddy.”

Instead of trepidation, Jadon sat up man like.The men talked, so should he. And, like the older men he observed, he didn’t stop.

“I love Mommy!” Daddy get hair cut, Jadon get hair cut. Our job… make Mommy happy!”

A moment of silence filled the room and he started telling people about family, Mommy, the treat to follow the hair cut, and trains of course. Jadon became part of the club. From being a cute, to trepidation, to another step toward manhood, such is the first trip to the barber shop.

Nearby there is a hair shop dedicated to children. The chairs are airplanes or cars. The place focuses on a pleasant experience to what can be a terrorizing experience. Kelly and I thought about the place for his first real haircut experience. I said no. I wanted a barber shop. Part to show off my boy, the other have him focus on becoming a man. I appreciate things focused on kids, but sometimes we need things that focus kids on becoming adults.

With risk comes reward. The event could be a moment of pride or a moment of regret. The risk ended with reward and pride. There sat my son take taking another step of courage. He further understood his job. “Our job is to make Mommy happy!” (Proverbs speaks to this often.)

Children are a mirror into our own soul. Jadon acted like Daddy. He got his hair cut like daddy. He ended the event like Daddy. “Ok, let’s get coffee, Daddy!” The mirror can show our faults, but it can also show what’s best about ourselves; where God still needs to work, and where God blesses. Which do you need to focus on this week?

(Especially on Mondays)

Why not Wednesday? Big Things

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One of the things I love about the Museum of Flight is Jadon. He stares in awe at the massive planes before him at one moment, and then plays with his toy plane underneath the wing of the first 747 the next. He talks about the planes, makes noises, calls them different names. But, when he sees the 747 he says one word: Plane!

Certain big things are the engines of our lives. The most significant is character. Before Jadon was known to exist, a key question I’ve been asking myself is what are the big things I want my kids to have. The list became more refined when I heard the words: It’s a boy!

Big project #1:
I’ve been working on a novel for Jadon about the major virtues I want him to hold. Virtues are timeless. While the situations in life Jadon will face differ from mine, the virtues will hold just as true. The novel will center on this concept.

Big project #2:
Each birthday I write a letter to my boys in a journal. From time to time I write other things as well. These are thoughts, ideas, or quips I have for them. I am not sure when I will hand them the journals. I’m debating junior high or graduation from high school. There is wisdom I want to impart to them.

Big project #3:
I narrowed the focus of what I want for my boys: 1) To be strong men of God, 2) To be men of character and 3) To be who God designed them. A narrow focus helps and is essential.

The bottom line:
How each man passes down wisdom to his children is different. One thing remains true: good dads often narrow the focus to just a few things. This is important. There are many skills, virtues, abilities, etc in life. But, only a few are big, long-lasting, and essential. Virtue of character is a thing in life I want Jadon to awe and play under. That when he sees it he will say: Plane! It is an engine that will power his life.