Restoring the childhood we stole from kids

· Leave a comment ·

As a society we are pontificating about how to stop school violence. The focus is on shootings at the moment, but there are other forms of harm that are rampant in our schools. In these ‘debates’ the question is often given, “What are your solutions?!” The reality is there is a cost of stealing the soul of childhood from our kids. Shootings, bullying, drug abuse, etc. are symptoms of soul robbery. I humbly recommend the following to help restore childhood. I admit this is very boy focus, as that is where the biggest issues exist.

More art. More play.
As both of these dropped over the course of the last 30 years, look at what also increased. True, this could be correlation not causation, but I doubt that. Art & play help kids process, socialize, and learn. It’s a big part in how they learn to interact with the world they live in. Maybe if we stopped robbing what is the soul of being kids, they may not be maladjusted adults. Over the last 27 years I’ve seen a massive drop in kids abilities for imaginative play and also a drop in their ability to get along with their peers. Art gets increasingly dropped as it’s viewed as non-essential, but it’s a huge part in how we process and communicate. Art is very essential to being human.

Change the narrative on marriages. Champion fatherhood.
The break down of family is a significant contributor to mental health and violence. We are reaping the costs of a coupe generations of broken families and fatherless homes. We need a fresh narrative on marriage that sees its joys and delights. That it can be done, healthy, and amazing. We need dads who are passionate about their families. And we need to view both of those things as good, ideal even. Children are a reflection of us. If they’re more violent, bullying, and destructive, we need to do a better job modeling.

End organized sports for kids. Allow sparing.
Back in the sandlot days kids had to figure out the rules and how to manage play. They created games and had to figure out how to play well together. Yes fights and arguments often happened. Failure is part of learning. What free play allowed was learning interpersonal dynamics. Sparing was a concept used in the summer camp world. It’s play where boys rough house. Dodge ball and other like games were part of this. Yes, it was a dominance and honor thing. Yes fights broke out and people got hurt. But we learned from failure and it helped teach how to manage anger, frustration, aggression, etc. Overly programmed overly protective aspects robbed kids of essential life lessons.

Allow danger. Build steps to manhood.
I remember reading an article that raised the question if we are protecting out kids too much. That they’re losing the ability to weigh the consequences of their actions by not engaging in dangerous endeavors. No one is arguing for negligence, but learning how to manage danger is important. Robbing people of failure can lead to robbing them of success. There was a time when kids could openly play with guns, like cops and robbers. In this kids are processing aspects of justice, human interaction, problem solving, etc. As danger and gun play has decreased, looked at what has also increased. Steps to manhood is another critical need. Many cultures have ceremony that signifies the end of childhood and start of adulthood. Part of this was the understanding that one must mature and become a man. (yes, we need this for women as well.) The cost of the egalitarianism movement is that we sacrificed manhood and have too many boys who can shave. Or worse, they’re aimless not knowing what to do.We are discovering that is dangerous for society.

Let kids be kids
All the above relate to things that have wrecked the soul of childhood. All the things above lead to discussions on how we can bring it back. They are not immediate solutions, but they will have immediate impact. If we followed through on them years ago they’d be in place now. We cannot be shocked by todays outcomes after we’ve essentially robbed kids of their childhood. Let them chase butterflies, get muddy. Let dads culturally be heroes again. Let romance be a husband and wife walking hand in hand in the sunset years of their life. Let kids be kids.

What an NRA rifle range instructor taught me

· Leave a comment ·

The slander of the NRA bothers me greatly for a number of reasons. The biggest is the false motives assigned to them. The summer camp I attended had NRA certified instructors man the rifle range. As a boy I loved guns and all things explosive. But from them and other NRA friends I learned more than that.

First and foremost I learned responsibility. This started with the golden rule of marksmanship: Treat every gun as if it’s loaded. This was about not only your safety but the safety of others. It also carried into you’re responsible for what happens when you pull the trigger.

Second, I learned the value of life. One, the value of my own and being aware of what I was doing. Second those around me in conducting myself in such a way that does not put them in danger. Third, care for animals should I choose to hunt. What stood out was the discussion of tracking an animal if you don’t drop it so it does not suffer. Guns were not the Holly Wood Rambo fantasies we have, but a supreme respect for life in all forms.

Third, I learned to respect process. At the range it was about safety, but in other areas of life it became about not forgetting what is important. The purpose of having a process in place is to make sure important things don’t get missed or easily avoidable trouble does not happen. This lesson played out in other areas of my life.

Fourth, excellence matters. It matters in how we aim. It matters in how we operate the weapon. It matters how we care for things. When we stop seeking excellence negative consequences can happen. This moves beyond responsibility to proficiency. Can you be counted on to do the job right and help others. This relates to work ethic and charter. Bulls eyes are not the only place where we need to show excellence.

Fifth, the solemnity of freedom. Freedom comes with a price. While guns are fun to shoot, there is a solemnity to them. This goes beyond my camp instructors to other NRA members I’ve interacted with. Truly, it’s not about the gun. If anything, it is about cherishing that which is most important., the people we love, our neighbors, and our community. A phrase I heard and hear often is “God forbid if you ever have to shoot in defense.” Evil and tyranny are very real and present dangers that each generation must contend with.

What I learned from my NRA friends and instructors was more than just about a gun. Do they love guns, sure. But I learned more about respect for life, liberty and property from them than anything else except the Bible. These were men who deeply loved their families and their country. They were and are honorable men of whom we could use more not less of.

The illusion of control

· Leave a comment ·

You cannot control outcomes, you can only control how you respond to them. In various types of crises I see people trying to control outcomes. This is futile. You don’t have that much power. If we try to control things we can actually make things worse or open the doors for other negative experiences. Why is the quest for control an illusion?

Utopia means people have to die
The problem with reaching a utopia society is you have to be willing to laughter many people. Collectivist regimes of the 20th century slaughtered over 56+ million people. And after all that many of them collapsed or are still poorly treating their countrymen. This struggle goes all the way back to Plato’s Republic and its quest to have the perfectly just city. Utopia melanin death is not an overboard statement. Why?

You’re to as good as you think you are
I find people are broke in some way. It’s more of where they’re broken not if. Often we like to point out the faults of others but are not willing to look in the mirror and work on ourselves. You are the hardest person you will ever lead. And as many people believe no body is perfect, that will also be reflected in our society. If we struggle with controlling ourselves, what makes us think we can fix the world?

Get local not vocal
We cannot change the world, but we can change our communities. Work hard at helping and bettering people in your community. If all of us invested more attention on that verses the national or global fronts, life would be better for everyone. Why? Because local people know your faults and can help mitigate them. Locally your strengths are known as well to help build a stronger community. Protesting and the national cable news hysteria accomplishes little. The one who whispers will be heard loudest. Often that’s the servants who work at making their community better.

Have a pity party, and set an end date
This advice was given to me by an older and wiser gentleman. We need to process our emotions appropriately. It is ok to hurt and to feel. It is part of being human. But it is not good to let that rule us and lead us. Talk to friends, if you need get a good counselor. Take the time to process and remember you still have to live.

Be wary of control solutions
Often the problem is the people who say there is a problem and then create a solution that creates a worse problem, meanwhile not solving the original problem. Unintended consequences can often be worse than the problem at hand. This is often exemplified in trying to control ecology. Research adding wolves back to Yellowstone Park as an example of this. Gun control is another example. The 56+ million people slaughtered above started with gun control. That is recent history, not hundreds of years ago. I’m sure in some instances call fo such control was noble, but it ended in disaster.

Discern issues from symptoms
In trying to control symptoms the issue goes unaddressed. While timing may take longer, dealing with issues has a better outcome long term. chiropractics illustrates things well. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong and needs adjusting. We can take things to remove the pain, or we can take actions that will stop it. We can engage the issue, or we can run from it by masking or dealing with the symptoms. A friend shared with me how easter countries didn’t care about how the US did things as much as why they did them. Get to core issues. Often long term solutions are truly short terms ones because eventually tomorrow becomes today.

Respond, don’t react or repeat evil
Responding to a situation means taking responsibility for our own actions and working at what we can influence. It deals with our attitudes and what’s immediate or close to us. Responding also means getting the facts clear and thinking through a situation. Reacting is dangerous and often leads to other tragedy. It may be different than what you’re trying to control, but it will still be tragic. Finally, we can repeat. This is the worse as we become that which we hate. People who fight against bigotry often become bigots themselves. Same problem, they just switch labels. A church I visited were against legalism of wearing suits to church but were legalistic about the right kind of jeans to wear in public. Apparently my Wranglers at the time were wrong. The church I was at the weekend before refused jeans and required suits. Both churches were in the wrong. Respond means acting virtuously. Reacting is moving to another problem, often unintended. Repeating is becoming like that which hurt you.

The bottom line:
When tragedy hits resist the temptation to try and control outcomes. Focus on leading yourself well, processing the emotions, and acting virtuously by responding, not reacting or repeating the tragedy.

Book Review: The Emotionally Secure Couple by Joe Martino

· Leave a comment ·

Change is possible. One of the biggest changes we need is the courage to engage in conflict rather than run from it, only to have an explosion. In the entirety of my ministry, conflict resolution, or peacemaking, is the most often used skill set used. I discovered the norm for most people is naivety on how to fight clean. If only there was a book that deals with this topic well, is positive, and gives hope. Joe does a masterful job laying out a philosophy and tools to help us engage in conflict.

Layout
“The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” would be best read in order for the first reading. While one can go back and use the book as a reference guide later, each chapter does an excellent job of building to the next. The foundation is built well in the first 13 chapters. Chapters 14 through 22 give you the tools to live out a productive, healthy, and loving way to address inevitable conflicts. Make no mistake, even the foundational chapters are practical in nature. When we change how we think and process things, ultimately our actions will change.

A thing that is great about the book is exercises are given to help make the point of a chapter. Many books I’ve read have these (dreaded) discussion questions at the end of the chapter. Joe hits you with helpful questions or activities in the middle of the chapter. It is refreshing and honestly takes the sting out of books that give questions at the end. This also helps do something that is challenging for a book, it makes you feel like you’re getting a counseling session from the author.

Engagement
Engagement is a word used often throughout the book. Don’t run. Don’t explode. (Joe uses different terms that challenge the way we view conflict.) Rather than becoming defensive or shutting down, the push in the book is how by engaging we not only resolve the issue, but we actually help the other person become better. Fighting does not have to be messy, it can actually be a time of growth and building a stronger safer marriage. This is different than thinking win-win. It is intentionally helping the other person know they are valued, heard, and secure.

Emotional Equity
“When we build relational equity, we create a space where bad things can happen but not define the relationship. We create space for a fight to occur and no one has to pay. We move back to a time where differences are celebrated.” Often people hear the term “emotional bank account” for this concept, but that is a little simplistic. It is more knowing the person you love to the extent that when there is an issue, it is safe to be dealt with by both. The book invests significant time explaining emotional equity, but also demonstrating how by fighting clean you actually build on this. This concept is the keystone to the book. The philosophy and the practical tools all hinge on building emotional equity in a marriage.

Hope
“It is my belief that any couple can come back from anything. They simply need to learn how to build the most important ingredient into their relationship and answer some basic questions every day.” The book doesn’t come from a perspective of fixing you, but rather equipping you. The power of choice is real and too often ignored. Choice is critical to the book. While there is trauma we may face and need help processing, it does not have to define the decisions we make moving forward. While Joe often challenges conventional wisdom, the challenge actually brings more hope to us rather than slavery to whatever.
“When you engage them by obviously seeking to better understand what exactly it is that they are saying and the emotions that are driving those words, you are telling them by your actions how much you actually love them.”

Intentional
“Being intentional is the lynchpin that holds everything else together when you are working on building your relationship.“ While this is one of the rules of conflict resolution, it is truly the bottom line of the book. We get out of a relationship what we put into it. If we want our relationships to grow, we must choose to use skills that will build the other up while we are and or frustrated.

Usage
While many of my ministry minded people may not like the lack of Bible directly referenced in the book, it is there. The book is not a theology of conflict resolution or marriage. There are plenty of other sources out there. But when applying Peter’s instruction to “Love your wife in an understanding manner,” this book unpacks how to do that. I would highly suggest that while teaching on marriage to use this book to make the love aspect happen.

In pre-marriage counseling one of my key aims is to equip couples to fight clean. This book will be the cornerstone to making that happen. The other aims is to connect them to a counselor for key issues that need to be processed, financial planning, and planning the wedding. Wedding planning often allows couples to immediately practice the conflict resolution skills they’re learning.

Read for your own marriage. No marriage is perfect, and often those of us who help others can struggle to take care of our own family. Read the book. Do the exercises. Fight cleaner than you already are. The approach to the book is refreshing. Too often, especially in church contexts, we go to the honor, love, authority issues in marriage conflict. This neglects when the writer of the Song of Songs says: ‘This is my lover and my friend, in me he finds peace.’

The bottom line:
“The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” is a must read because it changes the way we view conflict in relationships. It is more than conflict can be good. Joe gives a clear pathway to how you can make it good. This work seeks to change the perception of marriage. In doing so this book is not a shot across the bow, it’s a direct hit. We would be wise to engage and be intentional about changing the narrative around marriage. “The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” shows us how.

Moving forward

· Leave a comment ·

1 (60)One of the biggest things that holds us back is ourselves. We often get stuck because of our own thinking and attitudes. We also think with an “I’ve arrived” mentality than a “joy in the journey” one. Each situation and aspect of life calls for renewed commit to our attitudes, beliefs and actions.

As for me…
Joshua at the end of his life an ministry raises an interesting question: “Choose this day whom you will serve.” It seems obvious who they should serve. We need to state the obvious. It is obvious that a husband should love his wife. Say it anyway! Affirming the obvious makes it firm. In comments when “we’ve arrived” happen, ask the question.

We will serve the Lord
Joshua chooses to serve God. Again, this seems weird and obvious. He lead God’s people to the promise land, why would such a commitment need to be made by him? As important as the past is, we are meant to live in the present. After Gideon and Noah “arrived” they messed up significantly. Joshua saw the wisdom of renting commitment on what he was about in the present, not just the past. Renewing commitment answers the question of what is next.

Choose
Life is ultimately about the choices we make. Too many people choose to live passively and then get frustrated. A big way to keep ourselves from getting frustrated is to ask the obvious questions and give the obvious answers. It is to re-affirm a choice we already made by again making that choice. In this year who will you serve? As for me and my family, we will serve Jesus.

Human depravity is a real thing

· 1 Comment ·

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. Both those statements are frequently said by all. When the church says that people are broken, depraved, sinners, etc. people seem to become unglued. There is a flurry of criticism on churches for being abusive because they call our sin and seem to use fear. While I know spiritual abuse is a real issue, the matter of pointing sin and human depravity out is not being abusive nor fear based. Not is pointing and mention such neglecting God’s love. In the “let’s pile on and beat up he church because we can” I see an very ironic presentation of the Gospel.

Stop X, endure Y, which leads to Z
A couple of recent blog posts critiquing the church mentions the importance of stopping involvement in church because its unhealthy, enduring the pain of that loss, and then you will ultimately be at peace. Some posts were by de-churched people who walked away from Christ, others who are confused by their situations. This process ironically is the Gospel. They call for ceasing an activity, which is called repentance. They then move to enduring the process of change, which is called sanctification. They then point out the peace they have at the end, which is what we’d call salvation. The narrative of the Gospel is there, hypocritically in some respects. Why?

Hello Plato
Plato’s Republic contends with how to have a just city.What is interesting is all the issues associated with such. One conclusion mentioned is “I suppose if there were a perfect person we would kill them.” Mark Twain mentioned a similar thought when he stated “There is nothing more annoying than that of a good example.” We cringe at perfection. Early electronic keyboards suffered an issue of making no mistakes. The programers then had to add sporadic mistakes so the sounds coming from the keyboard would sound authentic. For centuries we humans struggle with our inability to be perfect and our repulsion towards such.

Saying calling out sin is bad is calling out sin
To say pointing out sin is wrong is to be calling out sin. This demonstrates we have a sin problem. Sidestepping the issue by saying you’re trying to get people to the change is calling for repentance. Pointing out sin and calling for repentance is called evangelism. Evangelism is one activity some critics look down upon. So, how do we articulate a very human activity of calling out error based on our moral stance?

All of us are religious
We all worship something. We all judge. We all evangelize. We are very much religious people. Those who say everything goes are just as guilty, for they’re a bulk of who deals with the issues of this post. This leaves us with broader discussions of the meaning of life, truth, and death. At the end if the day, we will wrestle with these issues and where we fell short. As humans we have a desire for truth and what is best. We also shun it when it goes against us. We also manipulate data in order to support our presuppositions or conclusions. Like the cliché goes: No one is perfect.

The bottom line:
Pointing out human depravity is not making less of us. It’s stating fact. Positive thinking is not ignoring reality for a better picture. Positive thinking is seeing what is and how one can change and make things better. We are all religious people, it is a matter of what we worship not if. At the end of the day we must contend with what religion best deals with the human condition. And, we will even pull people to that religion. And when we die, we shall find if we were right in placing our faith in our religion.

Entitlement is our prison

· 1 Comment ·

Many different things in our society seem to have a common thread: Entitlement. This is a far cry from mere rights or exercising one’s rights. It even moves beyond can vs should into the realm of demand. Entitlement is the superhero of selfishness. It ejects logic and common sense and only seeks it own, to the detriment of others. Entitlement begs this question: Have we become a society of overgrown preschoolers?

Entitlement in politics. Solution: Attack the problem not people.
In recent months I’ve seen people destroyed for merely defending a political figure… by the same people who believe bullying is bad and that people should be accepted for who they are. We see this happening on a larger scale in the news as well. The glaring hypocrisy is baffling as people cry out for our ability to get along, or the dismal culture of our politics. Here’s a solution, stop attacking people and start focusing on the issues. Move beyond platitudes of political viewpoints into the depth of actual issues. Freedom of speech doesn’t equate to slander, libel, etc. We also have the right to remain silent, to listen, and to understand before being understood. This happens when we focus on attacking the problem and not the person.

Entitlement in public service. Solution: Just say thanks.
In recent months I’ve seen public servants taken advantage of, and I’ve seen public servants act as tyrants. Public servants are part of our community. They’re our neighbors. Public servants are not our slaves or our employees. While they work for our benefit, there is a tone of humility and appreciation we should have towards them. We should view them as partners. Be appreciative while dealing with your frustrations. At the same time, public servants are not kings. Power tripping or demanding homage misses the glory of public service, which is to humbly serve your community. While it is ashamed some are taken for granted, sometimes not being noticed means a job well done. Gratefulness goes a long way.

Entitlement in the marketplace. Solution: Be civilized, we’re not barbarians.
Black Friday news demonstrates this point well. Too often we forget where we came from. A BIG thing we can learn from other cultures is the need to SLOW DOWN AND RELAX! We all get that your time is important, but will the person who never made a mistake please raise their hand? If we want to be listened to and served well, do not others in the room deserve that same treatment? Too often we see people flipping out, going overboard, and generally getting sue happy. The key to being civilized is truly treating others the way you want to be treated. This includes how you want to be treated when you make a mistake or are overwhelmed.

Entitlement in the culture. Solution: Remember its not about you.
It’s not about you. You are not the center of the universe. You have a right to speak, but you also have a right to listen. Your have a right to pursue happiness, you also have the right to work hard when things don’t go your way. You have a right to be served, but also a right to be patient. You have a right to be cared for, but also a right to sacrifice. You have a right to be thanked, but also the right to be grateful for the ability to bless others. While you should take care of yourself, others have the right that you do the same towards them. Living in a civilized community only works if you realize its not about you.

The bottom line:
Entitlement is one of the worst prisons to be in. It is a cancer so malignant that it breeds chaos, injustice, abuse, and hate. At the end of the day entitlement forms you into a lonely tyrant lacking any joy or peace. Perhaps it shouldn’t be culture we are frustrated with, but rather the person we see in the mirror each morning. Jesus gives a way out of this mess. While he rightfully was entitled to all, he gave that up. Love, humility, and servanthood will get more done then entitlement ever will. If Jesus demanded entitlement, we’d all be in Hell. Perhaps true freedom isn’t in demanding our rights, but instead giving up our rights is the service of others.

Neo-asceticism: Why we cringe at being blessed

· Leave a comment ·

We tend to react or repeat things rather than respond to things. Many level headed Christians have grave concerns with the “prosperity Gospel.” This teaches that being in Jesus gets you massive Earthly blessings. Living it up is seen as being godly. This is wrong. In the last decade a “poverty gospel” developed that sees being godly as neglecting Earthly goods as a sign of contentment and holiness. This is also wrong. We need to learn how to live in contentment. This means when we have much or we have little.

What is asceticism
Asceticism is a movement throughout Christian history where people under go significant discipline or give up on the pleasurable things in life in view of trying to be godly. Some have even taken to actually beating themselves. (The cutting movement seems to have ancient ancestors.) Asceticism is taking on new forms today (hence neo-asceticism), but it is not a new movement. Here is why asceticism is problematic:

Problem #1: Things don’t control us
It is easier to blame an object than take ownership for our own responsibility. This comes up all the time in the area of technology. An object has no power over us. It is the choices we make that is at issue. I often take breaks from technology to keep me from choosing technology over more important things.

Problem #2: Collecting things is a form of worship
Solomon repeatedly said “Eat, drink, and enjoy the fruit of your labor, for this too is a gift from God.” Having things that we enjoy is truly 1) A blessing from God and 2) Enjoying Him. When Paul discusses contentment, it includes when he had much as much as when he had little. BOTH require the power of Christ, and hence the “all things” that we can do through Jesus. Giving up things can be as unholy and unspiritual as hoarding things selfishly. Saying God blessed me when we gained a good job or things are going well or we received game tickets to our favorite sports team. Life is a gift that God intends for us to enjoy.

Problem #3: Godliness trumps working out
Yes, we are to take care of ourselves. But, we are also at times called to sacrifice ourselves. We can worship the temple instead of the God of our temple. We can worship the Bible instead of the God of our Bible. We can worship worship, instead of the God of our worship. Paul warns us that we can go to far in the health craze. Being healthy and working out has value, but it’s not the most important thing. You can have a great health and body, and not be holy.

Problem #4: Works is a false gospel
The point of Jesus is we cannot earn our way to heaven and we can’t good enough. Deep down the problem with asceticism is we think that God doesn’t REALY love us. We blame other things for our lack of holiness, or worse we take the asceticism route to look better than what we are. (Ironic that giving up things or being extremely disciplined can actually be really selfish.) The point of Jesus is that he free’s us to be our best. Fear, anger, etc. is antithetical to being a Christian. Jesus us gave us his best up front. There’s nothing we can do to earn more of his love. He gave it all! So what’s the cure for neo-asceticism?

Cure #1: Learn to make wise choices
We are often the choices we make. God does give us free will. Use it. Freedom does not have be anarchy. So take responsibility for your own actions.

Cure #2: Enjoy the Earthly blessings
I love fountain pens. I collect them. Such were gifts from friends and family. I use them for work and take great pleasure in using them. This is a gift from God. I had a friend recently buy his dream car. Life is going well, he’s blessing others, generous to his church family, and he enjoyed the fruit of his labor. Enjoying life is part of worship. (When he had little he gave up what he loved because that was the wise choice.) Like a dad taking delight in giving his kids something they love, God delights in us when we enjoy the blessings he gives us. A big part of this cure: Learn to be happy for others when they’re blessed and you’re struggling.

Cure #3: Be healthy, and eat that piece of cake
The purpose of being healthy is to splurge. Sometimes it’s about sacrifice, sometimes its to party. God instructed Israel to collect money for the poor. God also instructed them to save up to party. Same God. Sacrifice and splurging are both aspects to worship and godly living. With work also comes rest. God worked. God rested.

Cure #4: Cease striving
Know that God is God, and that he deeply loves you. Stop operating out of fear and learn how deep the father’s love for us is. Jesus did the asceticism thing so we wouldn’t have to. While there are times of frugality and suffering, God also gives times of plenty and wealth. Whichever you’re in, focus on who God is and how you can bless others. If you’re trying to be a good Christian, you’re really missing the point.

The bottom line:
We too often struggle with the idea that God loves us, deeply, and significantly. We often choose to live less than comforting lives in order to be more noble or holy. We can easily blame things or other such things for lack of whatever, and family to recognize our own choices. Let’s stop operating our of fear and guilt and enjoy the life God gives. As Solomon said: Eat, drink, and enjoy the fruit of your labor, for this too is a gift from God. Cheers!

The most hated concept in the Bible is love

· 1 Comment ·

heart-001Based on actions, I find that love is the most hated concept in Scripture. Love is the most wanted yet least acted on focal point in Christianity. Often the worst perpetrators are those who scold the church for being judgmental and unloving. If we are honest with ourselves, there really is very few people who have this concept nailed down. Ironically, they most likely don’t read blogs and do much social media. Likely that’s correlation not causation. We despise love and the church would be radically different if we acted on love. Here is what I mean…

Love fights for the relationship
A friend once stated that many Christians lack the relational maturity to fight for the relationship. Personal preferences, demands for perfect justice, hurt feelings, etc drown out what the Bible instructs is love. When these occurrences arise, we blame the church for being unloving/judgmental when the person standing in the mirror is guilty. A HUGE part of love is the concept of reconciliation. In North America we can walk across the street to the next church, but biblically we often shouldn’t. Biblical love fights for the relationship.

Love is servant minded
The first offerings of the church were 100%. The Biblical patter of church giving was sacrifice and not 10%. People cringe when a discussion of money comes up and pastors often have to couch carefully the discussions on money. This is a lack of love issue. The flip side of the coin is how we invest our time. We are a very impatient and demanding society. Church leaders have to be cautious when asking people to invest time into ministry given busy schedules. When people say they are burned out, it’s often things outside of church life that is the cause. Often people will give money so as to not have to sacrifice their time. (Ask most churches about volunteering to clean.)

Love assumes the best
A significant portion of christian misunderstandings happens from people assuming the worst. The “yeah, but…” crowd is the worst offender. Their hair-trigger on being easily offended and church-correct language demonstrate this in spades. So does the last election. (Oops, a card game reference.) The social justice crowd in the church is quite guilty of this as well. In some extreme instances, people often have to prove why something is not wrong before they can teach how it is right. Bringing up the needs to act on social justice issues brings this to light. I bet many reading this are thinking: Who is T. Woznek addressing? Is he guilt tripping someone?

We need repentance
Repentance is the key. Those not guilty are the exceptions. If you find an exception, spend time with them to learn what it means to be loving. I find every church has a least a couple. Christians as a whole need to repent and realize we are not loving, as defined by Scripture. Seeing as this is the greatest commandment, a new commandment, and the most excellent way, perhaps we should be much more focused on dealing with this area of repentance.

We need sanctuary
Church is to be a safe place where people can be wrong and broken so healing may result. Often we do not what to go through the pain of making that happen. This would mean fighting for relationships, being a servant, and assuming the best in people. It means choosing forgiveness over justice, submission over arrogance, being a listener over being right. On the other side of the pain is healing and worship, because there we so how profound the Gospel is. Jesus already modeled this for us.

We need a mirror
We hate love. Some reading this will think amen and be thinking of names. Others will say this is laying on the guilt trip. A group has a whole list of “yeah, but…” while another will try and read between the lines. Theologically right of center will say Im going liberal, left of center may ask the the same. The guilty will trying to reason their way out of guilt. The offended will scoff and roll their eyes. Love takes work, it takes choosing to value people first. It means there is a lot of bridges that need to be rebuilt. It is inconvenient.

The bottom line:
Look in the mirror and read what Paul wrote about love in First Corinthians Thirteen. Jesus and the Holy Spirit invested a ton of time teaching on love because we really don’t want to be loving. We need to be. We really do want to be loving. We really what our churches to be a place of sanctuary. If it really is about Jesus, we must master this area of repentance. Jesus already died for this, demonstrated it, and gave us a road map. So, look in the mirror, repent, and why not make love the most cherished concept instead of the most hated. That would be a radical.

P.S. Ok. Who or what am I thinking about? What is between the lines? You, because in biblical love there is no catch. I think our actions speak differently than our words in how we value this concept. So, let’s repent together and be better, because change is possible.