Tag: Marriage

Restoring the childhood we stole from kids

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As a society we are pontificating about how to stop school violence. The focus is on shootings at the moment, but there are other forms of harm that are rampant in our schools. In these ‘debates’ the question is often given, “What are your solutions?!” The reality is there is a cost of stealing the soul of childhood from our kids. Shootings, bullying, drug abuse, etc. are symptoms of soul robbery. I humbly recommend the following to help restore childhood. I admit this is very boy focus, as that is where the biggest issues exist.

More art. More play.
As both of these dropped over the course of the last 30 years, look at what also increased. True, this could be correlation not causation, but I doubt that. Art & play help kids process, socialize, and learn. It’s a big part in how they learn to interact with the world they live in. Maybe if we stopped robbing what is the soul of being kids, they may not be maladjusted adults. Over the last 27 years I’ve seen a massive drop in kids abilities for imaginative play and also a drop in their ability to get along with their peers. Art gets increasingly dropped as it’s viewed as non-essential, but it’s a huge part in how we process and communicate. Art is very essential to being human.

Change the narrative on marriages. Champion fatherhood.
The break down of family is a significant contributor to mental health and violence. We are reaping the costs of a coupe generations of broken families and fatherless homes. We need a fresh narrative on marriage that sees its joys and delights. That it can be done, healthy, and amazing. We need dads who are passionate about their families. And we need to view both of those things as good, ideal even. Children are a reflection of us. If they’re more violent, bullying, and destructive, we need to do a better job modeling.

End organized sports for kids. Allow sparing.
Back in the sandlot days kids had to figure out the rules and how to manage play. They created games and had to figure out how to play well together. Yes fights and arguments often happened. Failure is part of learning. What free play allowed was learning interpersonal dynamics. Sparing was a concept used in the summer camp world. It’s play where boys rough house. Dodge ball and other like games were part of this. Yes, it was a dominance and honor thing. Yes fights broke out and people got hurt. But we learned from failure and it helped teach how to manage anger, frustration, aggression, etc. Overly programmed overly protective aspects robbed kids of essential life lessons.

Allow danger. Build steps to manhood.
I remember reading an article that raised the question if we are protecting out kids too much. That they’re losing the ability to weigh the consequences of their actions by not engaging in dangerous endeavors. No one is arguing for negligence, but learning how to manage danger is important. Robbing people of failure can lead to robbing them of success. There was a time when kids could openly play with guns, like cops and robbers. In this kids are processing aspects of justice, human interaction, problem solving, etc. As danger and gun play has decreased, looked at what has also increased. Steps to manhood is another critical need. Many cultures have ceremony that signifies the end of childhood and start of adulthood. Part of this was the understanding that one must mature and become a man. (yes, we need this for women as well.) The cost of the egalitarianism movement is that we sacrificed manhood and have too many boys who can shave. Or worse, they’re aimless not knowing what to do.We are discovering that is dangerous for society.

Let kids be kids
All the above relate to things that have wrecked the soul of childhood. All the things above lead to discussions on how we can bring it back. They are not immediate solutions, but they will have immediate impact. If we followed through on them years ago they’d be in place now. We cannot be shocked by todays outcomes after we’ve essentially robbed kids of their childhood. Let them chase butterflies, get muddy. Let dads culturally be heroes again. Let romance be a husband and wife walking hand in hand in the sunset years of their life. Let kids be kids.

Book Review: The Emotionally Secure Couple by Joe Martino

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Change is possible. One of the biggest changes we need is the courage to engage in conflict rather than run from it, only to have an explosion. In the entirety of my ministry, conflict resolution, or peacemaking, is the most often used skill set used. I discovered the norm for most people is naivety on how to fight clean. If only there was a book that deals with this topic well, is positive, and gives hope. Joe does a masterful job laying out a philosophy and tools to help us engage in conflict.

Layout
“The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” would be best read in order for the first reading. While one can go back and use the book as a reference guide later, each chapter does an excellent job of building to the next. The foundation is built well in the first 13 chapters. Chapters 14 through 22 give you the tools to live out a productive, healthy, and loving way to address inevitable conflicts. Make no mistake, even the foundational chapters are practical in nature. When we change how we think and process things, ultimately our actions will change.

A thing that is great about the book is exercises are given to help make the point of a chapter. Many books I’ve read have these (dreaded) discussion questions at the end of the chapter. Joe hits you with helpful questions or activities in the middle of the chapter. It is refreshing and honestly takes the sting out of books that give questions at the end. This also helps do something that is challenging for a book, it makes you feel like you’re getting a counseling session from the author.

Engagement
Engagement is a word used often throughout the book. Don’t run. Don’t explode. (Joe uses different terms that challenge the way we view conflict.) Rather than becoming defensive or shutting down, the push in the book is how by engaging we not only resolve the issue, but we actually help the other person become better. Fighting does not have to be messy, it can actually be a time of growth and building a stronger safer marriage. This is different than thinking win-win. It is intentionally helping the other person know they are valued, heard, and secure.

Emotional Equity
“When we build relational equity, we create a space where bad things can happen but not define the relationship. We create space for a fight to occur and no one has to pay. We move back to a time where differences are celebrated.” Often people hear the term “emotional bank account” for this concept, but that is a little simplistic. It is more knowing the person you love to the extent that when there is an issue, it is safe to be dealt with by both. The book invests significant time explaining emotional equity, but also demonstrating how by fighting clean you actually build on this. This concept is the keystone to the book. The philosophy and the practical tools all hinge on building emotional equity in a marriage.

Hope
“It is my belief that any couple can come back from anything. They simply need to learn how to build the most important ingredient into their relationship and answer some basic questions every day.” The book doesn’t come from a perspective of fixing you, but rather equipping you. The power of choice is real and too often ignored. Choice is critical to the book. While there is trauma we may face and need help processing, it does not have to define the decisions we make moving forward. While Joe often challenges conventional wisdom, the challenge actually brings more hope to us rather than slavery to whatever.
“When you engage them by obviously seeking to better understand what exactly it is that they are saying and the emotions that are driving those words, you are telling them by your actions how much you actually love them.”

Intentional
“Being intentional is the lynchpin that holds everything else together when you are working on building your relationship.“ While this is one of the rules of conflict resolution, it is truly the bottom line of the book. We get out of a relationship what we put into it. If we want our relationships to grow, we must choose to use skills that will build the other up while we are and or frustrated.

Usage
While many of my ministry minded people may not like the lack of Bible directly referenced in the book, it is there. The book is not a theology of conflict resolution or marriage. There are plenty of other sources out there. But when applying Peter’s instruction to “Love your wife in an understanding manner,” this book unpacks how to do that. I would highly suggest that while teaching on marriage to use this book to make the love aspect happen.

In pre-marriage counseling one of my key aims is to equip couples to fight clean. This book will be the cornerstone to making that happen. The other aims is to connect them to a counselor for key issues that need to be processed, financial planning, and planning the wedding. Wedding planning often allows couples to immediately practice the conflict resolution skills they’re learning.

Read for your own marriage. No marriage is perfect, and often those of us who help others can struggle to take care of our own family. Read the book. Do the exercises. Fight cleaner than you already are. The approach to the book is refreshing. Too often, especially in church contexts, we go to the honor, love, authority issues in marriage conflict. This neglects when the writer of the Song of Songs says: ‘This is my lover and my friend, in me he finds peace.’

The bottom line:
“The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” is a must read because it changes the way we view conflict in relationships. It is more than conflict can be good. Joe gives a clear pathway to how you can make it good. This work seeks to change the perception of marriage. In doing so this book is not a shot across the bow, it’s a direct hit. We would be wise to engage and be intentional about changing the narrative around marriage. “The Emotionally Secure Couple: The Key to Everything You Want in a Healthy Relationship” shows us how.

Equality, Hate and the Gospel

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Labeling people as haters removes your influence in any civil discussion. Pastor Rick Warren suffered a tragic loss and I cannot imagine the pain he is going through. Given Pastor Rick’s stance on homosexuality, the vitriol for his family’s tragic loss is disgusting. In the larger cultural context of marriage, anyone holding to a man and woman together for life meaning of marriage is labeled as a hater or against equality. The biblical stance is then labeled as old and not understanding of the times.

The Gospel
In the Gospel we see the brokenness of humanity and creation. Pain is a result of how sin permeates the whole universe. The muscle disconnection in my right eye is a result of the sin filled world we live in. Was it because someone sinned? No. All creation groans waiting for the day of redemption, according to Romans 8. We all struggle with something it is a matter of what we struggle with. Some struggle with same-sex attraction.

In the Gospel we see the consequences of sin. Pain is also a result of sinful actions we take. If I abuse my body, if I steal, if I don’t treat my wife with the respect and love the Bible calls for, I sin and there are consequences to my actions. The greatest consequence is that Jesus had to die on the cross for my sin. Sexual expression outside of marriage, which Jesus defines as one man with one woman for a lifetime, is sin. Does Jesus show compassion on those with sin? Yes!

Hate
Told hold something as a result of brokenness or to hold something as sin does not mean I hate them.
Cancer is a result of brokenness, but I do not hate those who struggle with cancer.
Physical deformities are a result of brokenness, but I do not hate them- or myself for that matter.
Mental illness is a result of brokenness, but I do not hate those who struggle with that.
The Bible calls lying a sin, but I don’t hate liars.
The Bible says divorce is because of sin, but I do not hate divorced people.
The Bible says to do things without complaining, but I don’t hate grumpy people.
The Bible says it is sin to dishonor your parents, but I don’t hate kids who do that.
The Bible says it is wrong to neglect one’s wife, but I don’t hate those that do.
The Bible says it is wrong to be arrogant, but I don’t hate arrogant people.
The Bible says it is wrong to have an affair, but I don’t hate people who have done that.
The Bible says its wrong to over or under eat, but I don’t hate gluttons or those who struggle with eating disorders.
To all of these I point to the hope we have in Jesus. I have or had friends who walked through all of these.

Equality
I believe for theological, civic and biological reasons that marriage is one man with one woman for a lifetime. I think bullying for any reason is wrong. Some things in life prevent us for doing certain things. Does that make us unequal? No, it’s part of life. Ultimate equality is found in the Gospel. Before God we are all broken and it’s not a matter of if we struggle but what we struggle with. It’s not a matter of being perfect, but of being broken and waiting for Jesus who makes all things new. Regardless of struggle, regardless of sin, Jesus opens the door to all who trust that he rose again for them and that he is Lord.

Equality, Hate and the Gospel
Jesus spoke against many things and he is friends with those he spoke against. To be against something doesn’t mean to hate the person. The vitriol against Rick Warren because of his stance on marriage is uncivil. If one must label someone as a hater or a bigot because they don’t agree with you, then please look in the mirror. Our hope is not in the behavior of humanity, but in the humility of Jesus. In teaching the Gospel there are things that no doubt will offend, but it doesn’t make one a hater. The cross demonstrates God’s love for us and that’s the level of love we should have.

Faith & Family

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DSC_0286Faith & Family is the foundation to our society and the solution for our society. Undermining these two critical areas will open wide the door to evil. In times of tragedy there is a resurgence in the valuing of faith and family, but there is seldom sustaining action to support them. This foundation needs to be reinforced.

Secularism
I believe there should be no state church. Marriage of church and state proves disastrous. For the church, this became clearly evident in the dark ages. That said, complete removal of religious influence in the public square has not helped our society. In and of itself its a promotion of a religious view. What is lost by this push is the reality of the human soul. Quickly the value of life, morality and civility fall away. Secularism created in our country a narcissistic view of a person with no moral foundation and no purpose. The push to be oneself or pursue one’s dreams leaves a gaping hole in a person’s soul.

Life
Secularism lead to a devaluing of life. While not popular to say, millions of innocent lives are ended each year. As a society we don’t mourn these losses, though we do debate to what extent such loss should be allowed. Millions of marriages, kids, ideas, art, dreams, etc are never given the light of day. A majority of these ended lives are for connivence. Single percent issues (worthy of its own debate) are being used to excuse 98% of atrocities. Either life is precious or it is not. Let us be honest, secularism lead us to value our own connivence more than life.

War on manhood
For at least two decades a war on manhood exists. While the news of late talked of a war on womanhood, I’d submit the opposite is true. We have undermined the role of men in our society and even paint being a man as problematic more than helpful. In the name of equality we undermine, subvert and destroy what is most critical, most needed and most lacking in our society: dads. Look at the crime statistics in relation to fatherless homes.

Privacy laws
Privacy undermines prudence which undermines parenting. It is increasingly difficult for parents to get information about their children, and yet they’re still responsible for them. From medical issues, to even school issues, the issue of privacy as a right isn’t protecting our children. It isn’t protecting marriages either. When we cannot make the wise choice because of privacy law, there is a problem. Further, such undermines the trust that is essential for healthy relationships and healthy families.

Faith
People are seeking their purpose in life. Post-modernism, which I submit is beginning to decline, left society with no bearings. The fruit of both secularism and post-modernism left us bankrupt. We think we’ve evolved given the easy access to technology, yet we’re backwards in our ability to relate to one another. Faith is the glue that holds a society together for faith speaks to the soul and to the conscience. This is something that government and education cannot do. It is also why marriage of church and state should be prevented, but not to the exclusion of religions from the public square. We must deal with our soul.

Family
We need a resurgence in fatherhood. This includes healthy marriages. Most people don’t learn well stressed. Given the raging sea that is many families, is it a wonder we have an education problem? Dad’s provide the bearings and the foundation needed for success. Are there exceptions to this? Yes. But the exception is not the rule. Again, just look at crime statistics in relation to fatherless homes. I’d submit if there was a resurgence of healthy marriages and dads society will greatly change.

A solution
The foundation of faith and family is the solution to our society. This is hard for society to take for this solution requires submission, servanthood, love, endurance, wisdom, responsibility, and moral absolutes. This solution is hard because it requires work, it is messy, and it isn’t easy. It means a debate between what our laws state and what is truly beneficial & prudent for families. It means sacrificing our connivence at the altar of peace. The irony is it’s what we really want but we don’t want what comes with this solution. Faith and family have nothing to do with guns, yet it’s the crux of why we’re seeing the rise of evil in our country.

The Dynamics of Communication and Sex… Deal on Amazon

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There is a deal in Amazon for Pastor Jim Olah’s book “The Dynamics of Communication and Sex.” Jim pastored for nearly 40 years and has a passion for counseling and pastoral care. The book is only available via the kindle or kindle app. Valentines Day is coming up and the book is available for free through the upcoming holiday of love.

You can find the book here:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0072BVUJU

Hot Stuff: The Song of Songs

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Song of songs is an incredibly important and needed book. I believe the book describes a young woman’s process to grown and maturity as she navigates the complexity of love, culture and who she is. The book helps us navigate the unquenchable fire of love.

Song of Songs is an incredibly hard book to interpret. There are many ways to view the book. The common evangelical view is the book is about Solomon and one of his brides.  I struggle accepting that view. Regardless of view, certain things hold true about the book:

1- It celebrates sex and love!
2- It describes sex and love as more than just procreation.
3- It demonstrates a potent respect for the love between a man and a woman.

Regardless of view on the Song, these things stay true. However there are certain things that always bothered me by the popular view that Solomon was the groom.

1- The picture of Solomon does not follow Deuteronomy 17:14-20. I find it a significant contradiction to use Solomon as the standard of romantic love. If anything, the book is a criticism of Solomon and the direction he lead Israel. The Bible celebrates love between one man and one woman. Solomon started well, but he failed miserably.

2- The book’s plot seems to follow a time-line. The common view that the wedding takes place in chapter 3 doesn’t seem to fit with the often repeated phrase “do not wake my love until he pleases.” The plot I would describe as the growth of the bride throughout the book.

3- The Bible celebrates modesty and quietness. There are two distinct descriptions in the book One of natural comparison and one of a flashy more urbanized comparison. The juxtaposition doesn’t seem to be more contrast than analogous. For instance, if Solomon is the groom verse 2:8-9 doesn’t fit well with 3:7. The contrast is too stark- a free running animal followed by a man being carried around.

The best handling of the book I’ve heard is by the late Dr. Colin Smith. He handles the book exceptionally well and gives clear direction on how to use it in our modern culture. Taking the time to listen to them would be fruitful.

Song of Solomon I
http://www.bbc.edu/chapel/archive/20040120_colinsmith.mp3
Song of Solomon II
http://www.bbc.edu/chapel/archive/20040121_colinsmith.mp3
Song of Solomon III
http://www.bbc.edu/chapel/archive/20040122_colinsmith.mp3

The Bottom line: Study the book, its part of the Bible and a helpful part on that!

Runaway Bride…

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Marriage paints a vivid picture of Christ’s love for the church. Paul’s uses the marriage relationship to teach about the church at the end of Ephesians 5. Too often this passage is addressed to marriage. While Paul agrees and consents to this, it is not the point he is making! Paul is describing the passionate unity between Christ and the community of those who believe and follow in Him.

I do not believe Song of Songs describes Christ love for the church, but the book describes what marriage love looks like. Love is not a feeling or a vain emotion. It runs deep.

“Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol ; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD.” ~ Song of Songs 8:6

Church is not trivial
Jesus died for His church… We forget this. While he died for you and me as people, He died for his church. He loves His church, and in giving Himself up for her, the church became a key purpose. Church is not a club, program, theological sub-point, intangible philosophical idea or a spiritual option. The church is the center of Christ’s attention. He gave Himself up for her.

Church is not ready
Jesus purposefully gave Himself up for the church. Paul describes the process of cleansing, purifying and readying the church. Getting ready with an aim for perfection is not an overnight task. Jesus’ sacrifice aimed at perfecting the church, and presenting the church blameless. Put another way, Jesus is aware of what is going on, but He isn’t giving up until the bride is ready.

Church is not leftovers
Jesus views the church as He views Himself. We do not have the mental capability to wrap our minds around this. Jesus is not drill sergeant Bob with a cigar in mouth shouting at us to drop and give him 20 as He pushes us to become a fine sanctified unit. Jesus doesn’t worry about His glory and, oh yeah, also the church. Jesus cherishes and nourishes the church. It is a picture of love and tenderness.

Church is Christ’s
Jesus will become one with His bride. What or how this will look, I do not know. Paul states that “this mystery is great.” Jesus paid for the church, Jesus purified the church, and Jesus will be with His church. Jesus did not, does not, nor will He treat the church as trivial or as leftovers. Jesus knows there is still work to be done, but He hasn’t given up. Love runs deep.

The bottom line:
Rather than runaway, maybe we need to wash up and finish getting ready. Church is elusive to us. With the alarming number of young people leaving the church, perhaps we need to look back at what the church is and should be as a starting point. For sure, we need curb the criticism of church. I’m not saying we ignore things, but the tone needs changing. We need to view church as Christ does. To claim following Christ, but harbor disdain for the church misses the mark. Perhaps people and culture treat the church as trivial, as dirty and leftovers because we do. Perhaps its time we medicate on what Paul is actually communicating via marriage in Ephesians 5.