Tag: children

Restoring the childhood we stole from kids

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As a society we are pontificating about how to stop school violence. The focus is on shootings at the moment, but there are other forms of harm that are rampant in our schools. In these ‘debates’ the question is often given, “What are your solutions?!” The reality is there is a cost of stealing the soul of childhood from our kids. Shootings, bullying, drug abuse, etc. are symptoms of soul robbery. I humbly recommend the following to help restore childhood. I admit this is very boy focus, as that is where the biggest issues exist.

More art. More play.
As both of these dropped over the course of the last 30 years, look at what also increased. True, this could be correlation not causation, but I doubt that. Art & play help kids process, socialize, and learn. It’s a big part in how they learn to interact with the world they live in. Maybe if we stopped robbing what is the soul of being kids, they may not be maladjusted adults. Over the last 27 years I’ve seen a massive drop in kids abilities for imaginative play and also a drop in their ability to get along with their peers. Art gets increasingly dropped as it’s viewed as non-essential, but it’s a huge part in how we process and communicate. Art is very essential to being human.

Change the narrative on marriages. Champion fatherhood.
The break down of family is a significant contributor to mental health and violence. We are reaping the costs of a coupe generations of broken families and fatherless homes. We need a fresh narrative on marriage that sees its joys and delights. That it can be done, healthy, and amazing. We need dads who are passionate about their families. And we need to view both of those things as good, ideal even. Children are a reflection of us. If they’re more violent, bullying, and destructive, we need to do a better job modeling.

End organized sports for kids. Allow sparing.
Back in the sandlot days kids had to figure out the rules and how to manage play. They created games and had to figure out how to play well together. Yes fights and arguments often happened. Failure is part of learning. What free play allowed was learning interpersonal dynamics. Sparing was a concept used in the summer camp world. It’s play where boys rough house. Dodge ball and other like games were part of this. Yes, it was a dominance and honor thing. Yes fights broke out and people got hurt. But we learned from failure and it helped teach how to manage anger, frustration, aggression, etc. Overly programmed overly protective aspects robbed kids of essential life lessons.

Allow danger. Build steps to manhood.
I remember reading an article that raised the question if we are protecting out kids too much. That they’re losing the ability to weigh the consequences of their actions by not engaging in dangerous endeavors. No one is arguing for negligence, but learning how to manage danger is important. Robbing people of failure can lead to robbing them of success. There was a time when kids could openly play with guns, like cops and robbers. In this kids are processing aspects of justice, human interaction, problem solving, etc. As danger and gun play has decreased, looked at what has also increased. Steps to manhood is another critical need. Many cultures have ceremony that signifies the end of childhood and start of adulthood. Part of this was the understanding that one must mature and become a man. (yes, we need this for women as well.) The cost of the egalitarianism movement is that we sacrificed manhood and have too many boys who can shave. Or worse, they’re aimless not knowing what to do.We are discovering that is dangerous for society.

Let kids be kids
All the above relate to things that have wrecked the soul of childhood. All the things above lead to discussions on how we can bring it back. They are not immediate solutions, but they will have immediate impact. If we followed through on them years ago they’d be in place now. We cannot be shocked by todays outcomes after we’ve essentially robbed kids of their childhood. Let them chase butterflies, get muddy. Let dads culturally be heroes again. Let romance be a husband and wife walking hand in hand in the sunset years of their life. Let kids be kids.

Do kids really matter?

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12000854_10207475688481539_6145221748530090797_oIt may seem odd to raise this question, but it’s one I think needs to be raised. We often say “Of course kids matter!” Though I wonder if our actions line up with that. For my boyz, today is the first day of school. With the coming of the first day of school I see many parent’s excited that the kids are gone, others who don’t care, and a minority who prefer our kids at home, but are not able to do that. The first day leaves me with an uneasy feeling.

Kids aren’t pets
Throughout my years working with kids I see a sad and growing trend. If a kid is not causing trouble or being too annoying, they’re essentially left alone. Kids aren’t pets. They take work. Painstaking, drive you up the wall at times, work. As parents we are either intentionally engaged or we’re in trouble and don’t know it. I honestly think it is that clear of a binary. Kids need us to be intentionally engaged in their lives. Too often we as parents approach teachers as a hairdresser for our poodle who can do no wrong. Let us be honest, your kids nor mine are perfect.

Teachers aren’t parents
A teacher’s job is to educate our kids. Our job is to parent them. In the realm of education I see two frustrated groups: parents and teachers. What I find interesting is how much agreement there often is on the frustrations, yet they exist. Both are frustrated with the system. One party has the power to change it. That’s right, we as parents. We expect things of teachers that kids really need from us as parents, and we often question a teachers ability, when they actually agree with us on things. Teachers are professionals and they’re good and bad teachers. Growing are tapped out and apathetic teachers because…

Politicians aren’t teachers
The goal of education is the reach in retrospect the goalposts constantly changing before them. Honestly, sometimes our kids getting an education is by chance of a skilled teacher educating despite the system. We’re all affright about the status of education, and so politicians jump in to regulate. Here is an idea: why not let teachers do the job they’re trained for? Politicians are not trained educators. We would think it crazy for state legislatures to dictate how a football team should operate and play the game. Yet, we do that with teachers all the time. Why?

Empty chairs aren’t helpful
There are too many empty chairs that should be occupied by parents. Sadly, the parents who often show up are not always the ones who need to. Showing up matters. If more of us parents were informed about how things work, things would be different and better for our kids. This would make it better for teachers. We’d likelier be on the same team. Teachers may even start enjoying the job that they love again. I too often see and hear about empty chairs at parent meetings,teacher conferences, workshops, etc.

The bottom line:
Parents, we are the key. This year and the coming election cycle, can we change the discussion on education? If kids really do matter, then let us ask our politicians, ESPECIALLY state legislators, how they can get out of teacher’s way and let them do their job. If kids really do matter, let us fill those empty chairs and realize teachers are neighbors with us and not a commodity for us. We say kids really matter, then let us act on it. After all, we can.

Becoming a dad is the solution

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DSC_0754What would a world without dads look like? Here are some surprising statistics from fatherless children:

  • 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
  • 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
  • 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes
  • 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
  • 75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
  • 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes
  • 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home

Fatherless homes make up nearly 22% of American children. A father in every home will not eliminate crime, but it would not hurt. An involved and time invested father in every home, that would radically change the country. A life without fathers would be catastrophic, and the issue is growing not shrinking. So, here is the solution, if you’re a father, work hard at being a dad.

First step to being a dad is to find a good, godly dad and learn from him
Modeling is critical as being a dad is something that is caught. Just being in the presence of a dad who is active in the life of his children will give one great insight. Interact with this dad and learn all that you can from him. There is no such thing as the perfect dad, but there is such thing as godly examples. By networking with other dads, a growing dad can gain insight, accountability and skill in raising children. Dave Simmons, in his Dad the Shepherd Series, calls this an e-team (Encouragement- team). This is a group of three to five dads who hold each other accountable and learn from each other as they work through how to be a dad. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Second step to being a dad is to be a part of the body of Christ
The family and the church should not be at odds with each other. My dad’s three goals in my life made church a natural connection to meet those goals, where else could I effectively learn the Bible, discernment and service at the same time? Serving the Lord was the highest ideal growing up. My parents had missionaries over, pastors over, speakers over, ministry teams over, Christian musicians over, Bible studies, etc. They did this to serve Jesus. People from all over the world that call Christ their savior celebrated Christmas at one time at my parent’s house. The mission of the Woznek family was to serve the church because that meant serving God. Get your family to serve together.

Third step to being a dad is to be intentional
My dad had set three clear goals for me, and he held vigorously to them. The goals set for me were simple and guided the decisions he made. My dad did not sub-contract my life to other institutions; he used them to accomplish the goals he set. I wanted to serve at a camp I spent much time at during my summers, but dad would not allow it. This was a great frustration to me. Serving every summer at one camp would limit other experiences I could have. That decision was invaluable. While serving in various ministries, I had multiple experiences to draw wisdom, far more than had I only served at one place. It fit in with my dad’s goal, and it enriched the times I did serve at my desired camp. The way dad used other institutions in my life to reach certain goals produced another attribute to my life.

Fourth step to being a dad is talk talk talk
De-briefing was a regular part of my life. If a dad is not intentional in how he builds his children, debriefing is a very difficult thing to do. The de-brief is the ultimate indicator that involvement is taking place. My dad and I talked about everything. This happened because my dad started when I was young. In my later years I would voluntarily talk with my dad about the days events, there was no “How was school today.” Joys, victories and practical jokes were all shared. De-briefs, however, were also hard when dealing with failure. Without fail a discussion would occur as to why discipline measures were taken. Discipline was talking. Dad would walk me through the choice that was made, and the consequences of that choice. This taught me how to think and how to think biblically.

The bottom line:
The fifth step is the most joyful and the most painful: my dad let me go and became a cheerleader and resource to me. While his goals were met, it is never easy to let one graduate to adulthood. The fifth step would never have had happened if the others were not followed. If I need advice, or to bounce things off someone, dad is there.

Thoughts on Public Schooling

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I grew up through public schools. Over the last few months I’ve had the honor to help out a public school district. I’m seeing and sensing a greater antagonism towards public education that is unhelpful. Here is my bottom line: Public schooling is profoundly local, requires parental engagement and is not the enemy. I encourage you to consider these thoughts:

Educators are our neighbors
If you’re stressed from family life, the inner-workings of your job and wanting to make a difference, then you’re like many of our educators. Most educators are concerned with how to help kids learn how to read, write, etc., while also walking through life. They do have a life outside of school in the communities we reside in and the churches we attend. I’ve heard from many public educators that they sometimes feel like second class church members because they teach in a public school. This is a sin churches should repent of! Think of educators as your neighbors.

Parents are wanted
The number one issue I hear from my educator friends is this: There is often a lack of parent engagement. I’ll repeat that for those who may be shocked: Educators have as a primary concern the lack of parental involvement in their child’s education. Many schools are what’s known as Title 1. To be a Title 1 school, the school is required to support parental engagement. Parents and guardians, we’re the ones that need to step up and improve education. By just engaging with our children and partnering with our educator neighbors we can make a difference. Ok, I know we’re all busy, but family comes first. Our kids are worth it.

Apathy is the enemy
Too often people view public education through the lens of national news, especially if one comes form a politically conservative viewpoint. It is easy to attack public education through a national viewpoint because we don’t have to act. Public education is a profoundly local issue. Teachers are very open to parental involvement. They conduct themselves with class and professionalism. Are there things we disagree with? I’m sure if it. The issue is we’re often not willing to engage with our community and make it a better place. Rather than being apathetic, let us be the cheerleaders of great educators.

Trust is the issue
Many fear public education because trust and a sense of community has eroded in our culture. It is hard to trust someone you don’t know. It is hard to effect change through antagonism. We listen close to those we consider friends. We don’t presume to tell our doctors how to do their job, but we wisely partner with them for better heath. The same is true of education. Be patient, take time and be involved. Your community and your public schools will be better for it. Work on building trust, and remember they’re human just like you!

A huge thanks to my sons’ school district!
I’m fortunate that my boys are a part of an excellent school district that puts kids first. I am a better leader and parent because of my interaction with my district’s educators. I’m amazed by their passion, class and professionalism. My community is a much better place because of their efforts!

Book Review: Dream House by Barry Bandara

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“In many ways, our families are in a battle- a battle of priorities. If we don’t take the time to account for all the movement of our family now and then, we can easily become overwhelmed with all that we have to do.” p. 70

Pastor Barry Bandara gives us an excellent blueprint for developing our own “Dream House.” The book is humorous, insightful and usable. Often books on parenting place a massive guilt burden on parents. Make no mistake about it, there are times when you will say ouch. Overwhelming, you’ll walk away saying “I can do this!” We need more resources that are refreshingly humorous while also giving clearly communicated wisdom.

Overview
Taking from the three best sources possible: God’s Word, wisdom from others and his own failures & success, Barry takes us through the various “rooms” of our dream house and how it relates to family. Along with each chapter and at the end, Barry also shares resources he and his wife found helpful. The metaphor and the warmth of his writing keep the principles understandable and approachable. (Some books I’ve read you almost need a PhD to understand them!)

The big win
Dream House is written by a man who practices what he preaches. I’ve had the privilege to serve with Pastor Barry and to see him as a father. He practices what he preaches. I’m a better husband and father because of his ministry. Often with family resources we ask: will this work? The answer is yes.

The book
What is helpful is the book gives us principles and not programs to add in our homes. Dream House gives you what needs to be done, how it can be done, as well as other resources to do it. This leaves the book highly adaptable for different family contexts. The questions at the end of each chapter are also helpful to figure out how to apply what was said in your own family.

Marriage counseling
Pastor Barry presents a 10 year rule in his book. The idea is to think 10 years down the road. If your child is 2 how do I want them to act when they are 12, and so on. Dream House is a book I’d highly recommend for marriage counseling. It gives a blue print of raising a healthy family and many of the needed principles need to start before kids. You may think “we’re just getting married,” but kids are not that far off.

The bottom line:
Dream House is an excellent resource on leading your family well. It’s written with a warmth and practicality often lacking. I’m looking forward to using Dream House in my own ministry and my own family.

Why not Wednesday? Own depravity

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We try to push the idea human depravity away. We hide it, talk it away, claim that it’s a negative outlook, etc. The last we want to do is own it. Some overplay the depravity hand claiming because we are depraved we are therefore worthless. This too doesn’t own depravity. We need to own it.

Conflict resolution
This idea did not go over well as I was training camp counselors in conflict resolution.

“People are naturally good, not depraved,” said a counselor.
“People who say people are naturally good have never worked with children,” I replied.

The group wasn’t buying it. To move forward and be optimistic you first need to understand and see reality. Understand the reality of things and you can move things towards the best. They still didn’t buy in. I told them to give it a week… it only took a couple of hours.

“Trouble makers”
A church that had a large group of unchurched kids asked my advice on dealing with them. Apparently my answer did not have an appreciation for the situation. The rebuttal given was “but they don’t behave!” Aha, there is the problem. My advice was you need to love them first. We polarize discipline and love- they are truly one. If we love we deal with the reality of the situation and work towards the best. Love includes discipline, it’s not exclusive. Good behavior doesn’t come first and then we love. Despite our depravity, Christ acted on our behalf! Jesus loved, saved and then begins to perfect us.

Easier said then done
My kids pour on the love talk when they are in trouble. It KILLS me. They’re cute. They’re adorable, and I LOATH to see them hurt or cry. I knew this moment would come. I knew it would be hard. But love does what is best for the person. It doesn’t act with a cold heart, but it does compassionately deal with reality. This too is the Gospel. As God saves us He also lovingly shapes us. As hard as it is to discipline my boyz, hugging them afterward and showing forgiveness is a powerful moment. It communicates that even when they mess up, they’re still loved.

The bottom line:
We must own depravity. It means doing something that is counter-culture these days: taking responsibility. Bringing it back to the Cross, God knew we could not be perfect. That is why He gave us Christ. Owning our depravity isn’t seeing everyone as evil and worthless- it’s seeing people as being imperfect and need of redemption. Yes we are depraved, but that doesn’t have to be the end of the story. Yes people are depraved, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them and get involved in people’s lives. That is precisely what Jesus did, and one day we’ll be made perfect because of it.

Linx & Stuff

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The Bible says to rejoice with those who rejoice. A good friend of mine, Brian C. Jacobs, is getting to enjoy a dream of his. He recently published his first book: The Enigma Squad: The Case of the Old Man in the Mailbox. Brian dreams for this to be the first in an adventure series called The Enigma Squad.

Reading is important for children. It builds thought, imagination and learning. The Enigma Squad I hope builds and grows an audience. I’ve worked with Brian on a few creative projects. Brian excels at creativity and story telling.

To my friend, Brian: Congratulations & Dream big! As my boys grow older, I hope to one day by a box set of Enigma Squad books for my boys.

If you appreciate reading and know kids who enjoy adventure, check out the links below. What a better way to enjoy Christmas than to sit by the fire and read to your children.

http://enigmasquad.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Enigma-Squad-Case-Old-Mailbox/dp/0984165886/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1292005929&sr=1-1

http://www.facebook.com/enigmasquad

http://twitter.com/#!/BrianCJacobs

Manic Mondays: What to get dad?

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There is nothing greater than watching my boys discover the world they’re in. Or trying to figure out what they are thinking. This weekend I finally was able to figure out what Gabbers was thinking. After all, it’s the thought that counts!

(especially on mondays)

What to get Dad?
Perfect!

Why Kids Ministry: Part 2 (And most vital)

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The wonder of children

What’s that, Daddy?
~ Jadon

How often have you heard someone wish to be a kid again? Kids are the gateway to being a kid again. They are live novels in process. We get to be an editor, a writer, and a reader.  There is an infectious nature of kids ministry that the church needs, fresh eyes! The wonder of life is new to children. With the loss of newness we often lose the wonder. Serving kids brings back wonder.

What?
What is the question of discovery. It tries to figure out the uniqueness of an object.  Curious adventures of children take on names. Names answer what. It is more than a name. Kids delight as they can now say what so captivates their attention. Take sky, for example. It is the name of a massive canvas of wonder and adventure, from color, to birds, to planes, to cotton balls suspended in bliss, to the falling of snow on your tongue. Just because we know the name doesn’t mean we should stop asking what.

Why?
If a name were not enough, children remind us of the importance of philosophy, history and theology. They do not use such grandiose words, but those are the fields of study for a child. Simplicity is not the removal of complexity, just try to answer a child’s question of why. Why, a most simple question leading to the most intriguing conversations, amusing anecdotes, and cunning epiphanies. Answering why drives us to the most important aspect of learning, the inevitable ‘I don’t know.’ Just because we’re busy and grown up doesn’t mean we should stop asking why.

Jump up!
You know you want to! Now you’re feeling self-conscious, it’ll pass. Children don’t read into things too much. Yes, this is a result of being naïve, but not always. Children love delight, they love fun. The curse of sin made life hard. Children remind us of what life is to be and one day will be for sure: delightful, fun, engaging. So, jump up! Children do not take themselves seriously because play is serious work. Play is exploring possibilities, seeing what can be done, and just having fun. Play is not entertainment, that gets boring. Just because we’re self conscious and mature doesn’t mean we should stop jumping. (On a bed or couch is most fun!)

Hugs…
Kids understand what is most important. They understand that people matter most. Just because we’re adults with various responsibilities doesn’t mean we should stop looking for ways to bless others.

The bottom line:
Why kids ministry? Because we are forgetful. The crime of lacking a vibrant kids ministry isn’t the loss of a new generation. The crime is we have lost our own. Ask what. Ask why. Jump. Hug. And, if you forgot how, then ask a kid because that is what they do best. It is how kids disciple you and I. We cannot afford losing the wonder of life and the God who made it.

Why Kids Ministry: Part 1

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The Value of Children

A Child is a person who is going to carry on what you have started. They are going to sit where you are sitting and when you are gone, attend to those things which you think are important. You may adopt all the policies you please; but how they are carried out depends on them. They will assume control of your cities, states and nations. They are going to move in and take over your churches, schools, universities and corporations. All your books are going to be judged, praised or condemned by them. The fate of humanity is in their hands.
~Abraham Lincoln

I highly doubt a church will come right out and claim that children are not important to God. The adage is true, however, actions speak louder than words. It alarms me that only one out of four churches lists reaching children as a priority. The church, like the society it dwells in, does not value children. Note Barna’s transformation in his chapter entitles I mist the Ocean:

Yet somehow the wisdom and necessity of seeing children as the primary focus of ministry never occurred to me. In that regard, perhaps I’ve simply been a product of my environment. Like most adults, I have been aware of children, fond of them and willing to invest some resources in them; but I have not really been fully devoted to their development. In my mind, they were people en route to significance—i.e., adulthood—but were not yet deserving of the choice resources.

An audiotape of Barna’s workshop describes the reality of this problem. Barna was surprised at how many pastors called and asked if the workshop on children could be moved to a more “skippable” spot because their time was so valuable. Barna purposely placed the session on children in an inconvenient place for people to skip it, thus it confirming his findings.

The problem  will continue to grow
Given advances in medicine and the standard of living, the adult population is continuing to grow. 1993 marked the first year where there were more senior citizens than teens. This trend can be partially attributed to the millions of humans who have been aborted. As the adult population grows, the propensity to gear church ministries primarily to adults will grow. What can children contribute to church finances or church growth? The results of this attitude leave children largely on their own. The mere lack of role models for children points to this issue. Marva Dawn’s states:

What makes the battle so intense in the present world is that so much of life is becoming ambiguous, chaotic, fearsome, unmoored. Consequently, people cling more desperately to whatever idolatries seem to them capable of freeing them from pain, confusion, weariness, or meaninglessness. The powers function to twist such things as efficiency, money, or fame into the gods of our lives, and thus God’s designs for good are distorted, corrupted, and deflected into contrary purposes. Our neighbors in the world (and we, in spite of knowing better) wind up with the ultimate concerns that are trite, violent, enslaving or flimsy. These goals will never ultimately satisfy or repress our deepest longing; they will never alleviate our aching bone-weariness, satiate our galling thirst, or pierce our bitter darkness.

A generation that did not know
What happens when a society does not reach its young ones is disaster. Judges 2:10 states that “another generation rose up who did not know the LORD or the works He had done for Israel.” This is a very easy thing to do if one does not know God nor the things that He has done. With biblical literacy low, many 20-year-olds leaving the church, and church statistics are as dismal as the world. It is becoming safer to say that a new generation grew up that did not know God nor the things of God.

The bottom line
To have a lasting impact on the world one must reach people when they are young, when they are children. Jesus’ words carry more urgency today than ever. Not showing children the way to Christ is another way of hindering them. Mediocrity in the pew comes from lack of diligence in to the cradle. If the “kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these,” the church needs to give serious attention to reaching and equipping the emerging generation.  Millenials search for spirituality and significance may be grasping for the God they know to be there whom they were not clearly told about.