There is a list concerning church trauma I am often asked about. Is it true, how should I respond, etc.? The list is antagonistic towards churches in a way that is both unhelpful and hypocritical. Rather than take on the list as a whole, I will be giving a response to each section. The biggest contention I have with the list is not that trauma doesn’t exist, but that the list is often a straw man argument or cover for one’s immaturity. Church is messy and a reflection of all the people in it. The format will be rating, the list in question, and my response.

The synopsis: Faith, not fear

God uses our failures as much as our successes for His glory. People formerly in spiritual abusive situations often struggle the issues of this list. It is also true that we rob ourselves based on bad decisions. Can that person overcome and live a meaningful life for God, absolutely. Jesus died once and in our place for ALL sin. The issue is we like to define what is good, rather than submit to God. We prefer to be our own God. At the same time, Christianity is not a tight rope. The antidote to this tension is faith.

The List: Destiny or Bust

• Being told you have on destiny. “Giving up good for God’s best”
• Over analyzing decisions with mentors/being afraid to make decisions because you’ve been told you have one destiny
• Being told you will miss out on God’s Will for your life based on your wrong decisions (missing God’s voice because you din’t listen close enough)

The Response: Live by faith

Much of the church abuse/trauma list leans towards a particular theology that is charismatic and/or arminian in nature. This is not to say that other theological viewpoints don’t have followers who are spiritually abusive. In the aforementioned system there is a focus on God’s perfect vs permissive will. These are not helpful categories of thinking and leads to a cynical fatalism. Often this is seen with “make sure you marry the right person” instead of “make sure you work on having the right marriage.” Big difference. In walking people through these issues, my response is often “God is God, you are not.” God gave us life in Christ for freedom, not to have to worry about what decision to make.

While not addressed in this, fundamentalism can also create a fear based life. Rather and the decision paralysis of the above paragraph, fundamentalists force everything into a black-and-white paradigm. The problem with making everything black and white is God made life in full color. If something is black and white I know I can make the right choice. This often skips faith and leads to spiritually dry living. Not all fundamentalists are that way, but it is a danger often slipped into.

Hebrews states that without faith it is impossible to please God. Only God knows outcomes, we do not. The spiritual thing to do is to step out in faith. How we do this involves knowing the Bible, gaining wisdom from advisors, counting the cost, and then acting. Ecclesiastes tells us that God intentionally designed life under the sun that we would not know what comes next. Faith is the antidote to wanting to control life and outcomes. We can only control our attitude and actions, how we respond. That’s it. Faith recognizes God’s in control and will work all things for good, even when we don’t understand how. Often God uses even our failures for His Glory! 

Defining the sandbox is helpful: There are things the Bible calls sin, those are to be avoided. There are things the Bible tells us to do, and those should be done. There are things that the Bible is not clear on, those are left to conscience and love. I live in Nebraska. If someone wears an Iowa State jersey I do not murder him, because the Bible says no murder. I help take care of his needs, because the Bible tells us to be kind to one another. I don’t wear an Iowa State Jersey because it violates my conscience. I do wear Nebraska swag because I love my neighbor as myself. Sadly to my neighbors, I’m an Ohio State fan. In Michigan, I wore Ohio State swag, because the playful banter was more helpful. Some even said I was their favorite loser. Playing in the sandbox takes faith. Faith is trusting God by not doing what he says is wrong, doing what He says is right, and trusting Him for things that are not clear.

Proverbs teaches us that to be wise is to be Godly. Ephesians 5&6 tell us to be godly is to be wise. God did not design man to be a robot, nor is God so cranky that we need to be utterly fearful of each step we take. God wants us to walk by faith. That involves thinking through our attitudes and actions, and responding by faith in the choices we make. If we sin, we confess and repent. If we don’t do what we ought, we confess and repent. In all of that we love and trust God because He works all things, even our failures, for good.

But what do we do if past decisions were destructive? For example, if a person is abusive- a wrong decision- how can one be in God’s will and get God’s best? If one drinks, drives, and kills a kid, when the Bible says being drunk is a sin, I defy anyone to say that person did not miss out on any of God’s best for their life. When we lack faith by doing what the Bible tells us not to do, there are consequences from that choice. What that does not mean is we have to continue in shame and guilt- those were paid for at the cross. Consequences may make life more challenging, but it does not mean God loves us less, can no longer use us, or we cannot have an amazing relationship with Him. Even destructive failures God can use for His glory. Does not make bad decisions right or ok, but God is greater than all our sin. As long as there is breath in our lungs, we can make a difference.

Faith is the antidote to fear and decision paralysis. God is a loving father we can always run to. After all, only He knows the outcomes, and He tells us that the final outcome is good.

”Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.“

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭18‬ ‭NLT‬‬