There is a list concerning church trauma I am often asked about. Is it true, how should I respond, etc.? The list is antagonistic towards churches in a way that is both unhelpful and hypocritical. Rather than take on the list as a whole, I will be giving a response to each section. The biggest contention I have with the list is not that trauma doesn’t exist, but that the list is often a straw man argument or cover for one’s immaturity. Church is messy and a reflection of all the people in it. The format will be rating, the list in question, and my response.

The synopsis: We are confused about sex

There are three dangers a church falls into with sexuality: A church views it as a carnal only for procreation and/or never to be discussed, a church views purity as a form of the health and wealth gospel where you do what’s right for happily ever after- while never teaching what to do, and finally churches compromise to modern standards. The latter is what the list makers want, sexual “freedom & acceptance,” while pointing to the first two dangers. I would submit that we need to share that biblical sexuality is best for human flourishing.

The List: Purity Culture

• The church has made you feel shameful for you sexuality so coming out was a dramatic experience

• Felt you need to dress a certain way to not “cause a brother to stumble” or need to “honor God with your body”

• Pressure to get married so you don’t “burn with lust”

The Response: Biblical sexuality is best for human flourishing

Sex is a major issue in the Bible, but is too often mis-discussed because of puritanical or licentiousness viewpoints. Both of these are a result of keeping sex in the dark. Christianity, given biblical instructions on modesty and fleeing sexual immorality, trends towards stoicism. Given Victorian era influences as well, the subject is not discussed to a fault. This vacuum creates the polarization we see in the list: Lack of grace or clarity. In a pastor’s job to teach the whole council of God, the ball was dropped.

In the created order, God gave sex for a gift and a purpose. The gift of sex is the oneness, pleasure, and connectedness it should bring to a couple. The purpose of sex is to multiply and fill the Earth as God commanded. While described somewhat as a duty, it is more described as a delight. This culminates into glorifying God as “the two shall become one.” The oneness sex brings illustrates the oneness of the trinity: “Hear, O Israel, the Lord is God, the Lord is one.” Same word and concept in Hebrew. Out of the gift of sex hopefully there is the blessing of children. Sex is not only for children, but it is the purpose the gift was given. Hence, “be fruitful and multiply, fill the Earth.” Worship, friendship, and stewardship of life come together in sex.

What culture wants to do is to separate sex from worship, marriage, and children. This will cause harm and not help. Sex is both powerful and dangerous, making casual sex a myth. It transforms our body chemistry. Hence people who have multiple partners actually inhibit their ability to be truly connected to another. Multiple partners is also medically dangerous to women. As children often arise from sex, the results of fatherless homes on culture cannot be understated. In marriage cultural influence is bad as well. The rates of sexless couples is increasing and the desire to have children is decreasing. Lack of sex inhibits oneness, friendship, and intimacy in marriage. Lack of children is both destructive and selfish as well. Children are not pets, but culture’s separation of sex from God’s designed made them such. We see parenting as a burden to our careers, well being, and now the planet. We communicate to children that they are a curse or at best an accessory, and we wonder why mental health is what it is. We have more sexual “freedom” than any point in history, so why are people so much more depressed and lonely? Selfishness is destructive and false worship an empty promise, that’s the result of culture’s sexual ethic.

Here are the benefits to biblical sexuality: First, the value of women rises in proportion to the biblical sexual ethic. This gives purpose to men as well to strive to be worthy of the woman they love. Second, setting the Bible aside (a really bad idea!) studies regularly show that married couples have more frequent and better quality sex, though that could be changing due to cultures influence. Studies regularly show that living together prior to being married is not good for your marriage. God’s plan for sexuality is the best path to great sex. The further benefit of that is better health. Third, biblical sexuality means constant pursuit of friendship and sex. As Song of Songs states “This is my lover and my friend.” The exclusivity of sex strengthens the oneness of it. Fourth, children are a blessing as the couple doesn’t just enjoy one another, they get to bring life into the world. Children from a stable home are emotionally and mentally stronger. In older age, the couple is emotionally and mentally stronger as well. Finally, biblical sex glorifies the God who made you by the oneness of the couple and the obedience of filling the Earth. This gives peace and contentment.

Repenting from sexual sin is where much of the sting of the list comes from. Too often Christians lack grace when care-fronting sexual sin. And, too often Christians lack love when they look the other way. If you sinned in the area of sex, you will feel guilt and shame. When we repent of our sin, we have the privilege of leaving our guilt and shame at the Cross because Jesus died in our place, once, for all sin. We can heal from sexual sin and live in a way that pleases God and is healthy for ourselves as well. God loves, restores, and heals.

Light is the best antidote to darkness. Silence on the topic lead to the mess of today. The Bible speaks about sex, and so should we. It is not a dirty topic, but an essential reality of life. The act of sex, however, is to be shared with one’s spouse. The biblical commands about modesty is to protect that gift. To quote a mentor, modesty ends at the bedroom door. Biblical purity in marriage is a hot romantic sex life as the two constantly pursue each other to be one. Outside of marriage it is modest abstinence. Such is not a legalistic command, but a gift protected.

A refrain I often hear on this topic is “what happens between two people harms no one.” That is false. First, sex outside of God’s design harms the person engaging in it. Second, it harmed Jesus as He had to suffer and die for our sexual sin. Love is love is a myth because if we act sexually in a way God did not intend, an innocent person had to die for that. Thankfully God demonstrated His love towards us that while we were sinners, Christ died for us. That is not a license to do what we want. Christ’s death is provision to no longer have to carry guilt and shame. Be sexual in a way that honors God and the gift He gave us.

Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.

Proverbs 5:15, 18-19