Tag Archives: parenting

Book Review: Dream House by Barry Bandara

“In many ways, our families are in a battle- a battle of priorities. If we don’t take the time to account for all the movement of our family now and then, we can easily become overwhelmed with all that we have to do.” p. 70

Pastor Barry Bandara gives us an excellent blueprint for developing our own “Dream House.” The book is humorous, insightful and usable. Often books on parenting place a massive guilt burden on parents. Make no mistake about it, there are times when you will say ouch. Overwhelming, you’ll walk away saying “I can do this!” We need more resources that are refreshingly humorous while also giving clearly communicated wisdom.

Overview
Taking from the three best sources possible: God’s Word, wisdom from others and his own failures & success, Barry takes us through the various “rooms” of our dream house and how it relates to family. Along with each chapter and at the end, Barry also shares resources he and his wife found helpful. The metaphor and the warmth of his writing keep the principles understandable and approachable. (Some books I’ve read you almost need a PhD to understand them!)

The big win
Dream House is written by a man who practices what he preaches. I’ve had the privilege to serve with Pastor Barry and to see him as a father. He practices what he preaches. I’m a better husband and father because of his ministry. Often with family resources we ask: will this work? The answer is yes.

The book
What is helpful is the book gives us principles and not programs to add in our homes. Dream House gives you what needs to be done, how it can be done, as well as other resources to do it. This leaves the book highly adaptable for different family contexts. The questions at the end of each chapter are also helpful to figure out how to apply what was said in your own family.

Marriage counseling
Pastor Barry presents a 10 year rule in his book. The idea is to think 10 years down the road. If your child is 2 how do I want them to act when they are 12, and so on. Dream House is a book I’d highly recommend for marriage counseling. It gives a blue print of raising a healthy family and many of the needed principles need to start before kids. You may think “we’re just getting married,” but kids are not that far off.

The bottom line:
Dream House is an excellent resource on leading your family well. It’s written with a warmth and practicality often lacking. I’m looking forward to using Dream House in my own ministry and my own family.


Why not Wednesday? Family life

Some of the best ideas and clarity of ideas comes from family life. Abnormally, let me give the bottom line on top.

The bottom line:
Don’t get so busy and distracted that you cannot hear and listen to your family. You might just miss something.

Night time prayers
I put my boyz down to bed. We wrestle, read, share Schnickle Fritz stories. They realize bed time is for real when we pray. Setting them down I perform the most important duty of a dad: just listen. These times can be funny to epic proportions (stalling tactic I think) or incredible serious. They’re the best times. Here is why…

Toy churches
Jadon, my oldest, pulls his nana (blanket) from his face, turns his chin ever so slightly and squints. He’s curious and about to ask a question. (I didn’t think I was quirky until I had kids.)

Jadon: Daddy, why aren’t there toy churches?
Daddy: Because the church is people.
Jadon: What kind?
Daddy: Church is people who follow Jesus.
Jadon: Jesus loves me!

Reminders are creative lessons
His response was pretty cool. I would have sung that song for him, but my boyz made it clear that singing is off-limits for me. Last night brought clarity. Other times brought creativity. Family life is a huge resource. Here is the creative reminders Jadon gave me:

  • Church isn’t some game, it’s a real important thing.
  • Church is people who follow (active verb) Jesus.
  • Church is also about loving and serving people, even if they can do nothing in return, like children.

Manic Monday: Appreciate the little things…

Monday is a huge day in my household. It’s garbage truck day… Seriously.

I smile at people’s reaction to what has become bigger than football at our house. (Of note pretty much anything that makes your kids smile makes you smile- other than fine china being dropped and shattering in slow motion.) The oft-repeated phrase “you need a life.” is stated. Ok, here’s the lesson…

Kids appreciate the little things in life. What we take for granted, they see as wonders of science. The garbage truck has what every boy loves: horsepower, noise, banging sounds and it’s big. (The garbage truck is also a significant support actor in the movie Toy Story 3,)

Imagine a world without garbage trucks, plumbing, electricity or Toy Story 3, and you’ll gain an appreciation for what we consider a little thing in life.

(especially on Monday)


Civility, Civility, where art thou?

Last Thursday I wrote about my desire for my boys to live in a world of civility. The thought process started when Gavin said thank you to me after giving him a simple treat. I treasured the event. Given the grievous incident in Arizona, my wish for my boys grew even stronger.

Two wrongs don’t make a right
The Bible puts it this way: “A soft word takes away wrath.” I have no wish to take political sides on this blog. Even in irate anger, one can show the civility one so much desires. The political vitriol displayed lately is alarming. It is akin to fighting a fire with gasoline.

Evil and responsibility exist
There is evil and brokenness in life. Even with this, people are responsible for their own actions. Evil or brokenness is the root cause of tragedies such as happened in Arizona. Civility, compassion and graciousness are the greatest weapons against evil and brokenness. It’s what Jesus did.

Two prescriptions of civility:
1) Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger… Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. ~ Ephesians 4:26,29

2) This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20

The bottom line
We are responsible for our own actions. Anger is not wrong, but we must be prudent and thoughtful in how we exercise and work through our anger. For sure, in public discourse great restraint and gracious must be demonstrated. Truth can be declared without being inflammatory. Restraint isn’t a lack of authenticity or genuineness. Restraint  is an exercise of wisdom and humility. Our culture could use a large dose of both. These are skills I want my boys to have in abundance.


A return to civility

I wish my sons to be gentlemen. Siting in a chair, a warm fire glowing and two boys playing in matching pajamas gives is a moment you treasure it in your heart. I handed a treat to my youngest. He looked up with a bright smile and said: “Thank you, daddy.”  I hope both my boys grow up to be themselves while also exhibiting grace, class and politeness.

Civility defined
Oxford American Dictionary defines civility as: formal politeness and courtesy in behavior and speech.

Nobility of the past
Too often we view the ignoble aspect of person, time or movement to discredit what was noble. Missing an ideal doesn’t lessen its nobility. Should the Wright brothers have not flown at Kitty Hawk when those before them failed? Discourse and conduct did have a higher air of civility in times past, though I’m sure the past wasn’t perfect.

Acting with grace
Civility develops a focus on others. I remember in high school this kind of conversation: The girl said “You opened that for me just because I’m a woman, didn’t you?” to which the man replied, “No, I opened it because I’m a gentleman.” Civility isn’t sexism one way or the other. It is the polite thing to do. Allowing someone to do something you can clearly do yourself isn’t a violation of equality. It is an act of graciousness and a demonstration of deference. Imagine holiday shopping with this attitude.

Civility speaks
Formality is a language. As society let go of formality it also let go of a language that prevents potential misunderstanding and clear acts of acknowledgment. Another loss is an understanding between public and private behavior. Manners, etiquette and politeness are a key aspects to equality. It is a language of interaction, understanding and wisdom. A return to formality would greatly benefit romance, political discourse, and everyday life. Formality can disagree without destroying a person. It can romance to a greater depth. The language of formality understands that we are not islands unto ourselves. We live among others.

Formal as stodgy, informal as rude
Both formal and informal behavior contain drawbacks. Formality can be oppressive. It need not negate self-expression.  While Formality is often labeled stodgy and informality rude; can we move beyond that? Perhaps the one who speaks quietly is heard the loudest, and within formal discourse one’s self-expression is most appreciated. Put another way: in reestablishing formality, let us not lose the zest of life.

The bottom line:
I hope my boys grow up to be classy and civil while not losing their zest for life or animated personalities. In disagreement may they still be considered gracious, in opposition still known as noble. I hope my boys show charm both publicly and in private. I hope those close to my boys would see my them as treating everyone with respect. I hope they can be true to themselves in both civil and private discourse for in so doing they’ll demonstrate dignity and wisdom.


Manic Monday: The mirror

I brought Jadon to the barber for the first time last week. The barber visit builds pride in one’s son. Jadon sat humbly on the bench, a box of toys next to him. Given the new experience, he sat with his hands folded on his lap, looking at the men in chairs getting their hair cut. The sound to clippers, normally frightening to him, echoed softly. Jadon looks up at me and smiles.

“Daddy gets a hair cut, Jadon gets a hair cut.”

I’m called up and the routine starts. He watches me at first and then slowly discovers the toy box. He builds what he is: a train track for said track a train. This very important process explained to all in the barber shop. The older men and the ladies cutting hair all smile and delight. Rather than the exploits of the weekend shared, stories and questions about trains ensued. Then it was time.

With trepidation, Jadon climbed up the “high chair.” Like a cherub, the overly large cape adorned him. No smile sat upon his face. The buzz of clippers rang loudly in his ears. I held his hands, and he took the buzzing clippers. With a big sigh he looked up.

“Let go, I ok, Daddy.”

Instead of trepidation, Jadon sat up man like.The men talked, so should he. And, like the older men he observed, he didn’t stop.

“I love Mommy!” Daddy get hair cut, Jadon get hair cut. Our job… make Mommy happy!”

A moment of silence filled the room and he started telling people about family, Mommy, the treat to follow the hair cut, and trains of course. Jadon became part of the club. From being a cute, to trepidation, to another step toward manhood, such is the first trip to the barber shop.

Nearby there is a hair shop dedicated to children. The chairs are airplanes or cars. The place focuses on a pleasant experience to what can be a terrorizing experience. Kelly and I thought about the place for his first real haircut experience. I said no. I wanted a barber shop. Part to show off my boy, the other have him focus on becoming a man. I appreciate things focused on kids, but sometimes we need things that focus kids on becoming adults.

With risk comes reward. The event could be a moment of pride or a moment of regret. The risk ended with reward and pride. There sat my son take taking another step of courage. He further understood his job. “Our job is to make Mommy happy!” (Proverbs speaks to this often.)

Children are a mirror into our own soul. Jadon acted like Daddy. He got his hair cut like daddy. He ended the event like Daddy. “Ok, let’s get coffee, Daddy!” The mirror can show our faults, but it can also show what’s best about ourselves; where God still needs to work, and where God blesses. Which do you need to focus on this week?

(Especially on Mondays)


Why not Wednesday? Big Things

One of the things I love about the Museum of Flight is Jadon. He stares in awe at the massive planes before him at one moment, and then plays with his toy plane underneath the wing of the first 747 the next. He talks about the planes, makes noises, calls them different names. But, when he sees the 747 he says one word: Plane!

Certain big things are the engines of our lives. The most significant is character. Before Jadon was known to exist, a key question I’ve been asking myself is what are the big things I want my kids to have. The list became more refined when I heard the words: It’s a boy!

Big project #1:
I’ve been working on a novel for Jadon about the major virtues I want him to hold. Virtues are timeless. While the situations in life Jadon will face differ from mine, the virtues will hold just as true. The novel will center on this concept.

Big project #2:
Each birthday I write a letter to my boys in a journal. From time to time I write other things as well. These are thoughts, ideas, or quips I have for them. I am not sure when I will hand them the journals. I’m debating junior high or graduation from high school. There is wisdom I want to impart to them.

Big project #3:
I narrowed the focus of what I want for my boys: 1) To be strong men of God, 2) To be men of character and 3) To be who God designed them. A narrow focus helps and is essential.

The bottom line:
How each man passes down wisdom to his children is different. One thing remains true: good dads often narrow the focus to just a few things. This is important. There are many skills, virtues, abilities, etc in life. But, only a few are big, long-lasting, and essential. Virtue of character is a thing in life I want Jadon to awe and play under. That when he sees it he will say: Plane! It is an engine that will power his life.


Dad Power: Prayer

I love praying with my boyz just before saying goodnight.  Dads must pray for and teach their boyz to pray. We end our prayers with an excited AMEN! We joyfully talk to God, as we know He delights in children. There are three key things I always pray for them: they would grow into strong men of God, to be protected from all harm, and to be kept from the evil one.

Strong men of God
Asking God that He would save my boyz is not enough. I do not want fire insurance for them, my heart wants firemen! I disagree with the adage ‘boys will be boys.’ It is wrong. Boys will be men! What kind of men will they grow up to be? My boyz need to be the men God designed them to be. Regardless of their career, they can still be godly, but godly is not enough. I want them to be strong men of God. I desire that they can fully say God is my God, and not just my dad’s God. I pray that they would pursue God and the challenges He puts before them with all eagerness.

Protected from all harm
Sometimes I slip and say keep, but what is the act of God keeping or protecting? As a parent I don’t want to see my kids go through difficult challenges, but I know they will. I ask God to protected them because I don’t want to seem them defeated. My desire is my boyz will go head long into challenges and grow from them, not be harmed from them. My boyz will go through painful and challenging times. I pray they grow as a result, and not be destroyed or disheartened.

The evil one
Being a dad means I am in a fight against satan. He and his cronies gun for kids. It is no cliché when Jesus taught people to pray ‘and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.’ God led people into temptation, though He does not tempt. The Holy Spirit lead Jesus to be tempted by Satan. God did something similar with Job. Well, I like Jesus’ instruction. I ask God that He would not do that with my boyz. Their depravity is enough to get them into trouble!

The bottom line
A praying dad is essential. Life is hard. The only way to get through life is a strong relationship with God, not just for us as dads, but also passing that down to the future generation of men.


Book Review: Think Orange by Reggie Joiner

“As leaders our primary purpose is not to keep our children in church, but to lead them to be the church.” (p. 217)

Think Orange will be the defining work on Children’s Ministry & Family Ministry for quite some time. A significant discussion within the church is the relationships between the church, the family, and the various generations within both. From a methodology standpoint, Think Orange gives a road map to answer these questions. The book’s strengths are in explaining the why and what questions of a Family Ministry. There are other resources by the ReThink group that address the how.

The why question is critical
While there are many who do not appreciate or think philosophically, what you believe truly effects what you do. Reggie Joiner does an excellent job of explaining the essential role of both the family, the church and how they are combined and interact through leveraging community. A continual frustration of mine in Children’s Ministry is how programs or materials merely view parents as important, not essential. Think Orange views parents as essential! The combination or synergy of the family with church produced produces a powerful result. Reggie states: “2 combined influences make a greater impact than just 2 influences.” (p. 15) This principle, along with others, gives practical guidance to living out the truths of Scripture, in particular the parents’ role in discipling their children and the church’s role in equipping the saints for ministry.

The what question is helpful
What is needed is a collaborative model for family ministry, and not a hap hazard, random, or departmentalized one. Essential #1: Integrate Strategy, starting on page 110, is the most critical section answering what we need. A professor of mine often used the term “braiding,” getting various things to work together.  Having an integrated strategy helps all areas of family ministry to be on the same team and working towards the same goal. Said another way, it teaches children about the church by being a church. As a child grow up in the church, he or she is taken to another level at each life stage, including transitions between life stages. With society causing more and more fragmentation, the church needs to be a place that brings people together. Think Orange understands the equilibrium between families together, age appropriateness, and being one church. This equilibrium is a result from Reggie high view of community. Children are not the church of tomorrow but the church of today.

Final Thoughts
The book’s design and layout is helpful for those who are sequential & analytical thinkers, or the more abstract & random thinkers. It offers many ideas, discussion questions and insights. The book can be read sequentially, treated as a manual or encyclopedia on family ministry methodology. The charts and quotes that stand out were extremely well done and help to navigate the book.

Reggie shares frequently how the ideas translated into what was done at North Point. One should be careful to distinguish between example and what is/ what works at North Point. This is normally distinguishable, but there are times when it may be confusing. This is not a criticism, just something to be aware of. Another point that stands out and one should be aware of is Reggie’s humility. He gives permission to disagree with him, and even states that he may disagree with himself. This tone and attitude is refreshing and should be more prevalent within the church.

The Bottom Line
Think Orange is a critical work to navigate through if you are serious about impacting yours and other children to be the church, not merely attend church! Its strength is in family ministry methodology, with a close secondary strength in ministry philosophy.


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